r/tifu 11d ago Defeated Pranked! Gold Platinum Hugz Take My Energy

M TIFU when I (19m) missed all the signs that my roommate (22f) was interested in me NSFW

23.0k Upvotes

Update.

My roommate moved out this morning. She's immigrating. The two of us have shared an apartment for almost 2 years. I've always been attracted to her, but I didn't want to be that guy who tried to fuck the first female roommate he got, so I did my best to keep our relationship as platonic as possible. However, last night being the last night my roommate and I were gonna be roommates, I decided to tell her that I always thought she was attractive. I also made it clear that I didn't expect anything to happen, I just wanted to get it off my chest so we could laugh about it without worrying that it might be awkward the next day, and the day after that, etc. My roommate playfully punched me on my shoulder and said she gave me so many opportunities. I had no idea what she was talking about, which prompted her to provide the following examples:

  1. When we were dancing in the club and the song finished, our faces were so close together, our foreheads were literally touching. But instead of kissing her at that moment, I apparently rolled my eyes to the back of my head and asked if I looked like Storm in X-Men.
  2. When she asked me to show her what kind of porn I enjoyed watching, I showed her mine and she volunteered to show me hers. We were sitting on the couch, watching people fuck, and still I did nothing.
  3. When I was hospitalized, she said she would be happy to nurse me when I get home, but only if I promised to wear nothing but my hospital gown.
  4. When she asked me for a piggyback ride to her room when she was done showering and only wearing a towel.
  5. When she confessed to sleeping in one of my shirts because I was away for the weekend and she wanted to feel close to me.

I can go on, it was a long list, but this was the top 5 for me. It seemed so obvious now, but at the time I was fucking clueless. I think I was too focused on NOT crossing that line that my brain completely blocked out any signs of sexual chemistry. My roommate and I laughed about it, but deep down I was so angry at myself for losing out on what could have been a more exciting experience because I was unable to connect the dots.

Tl:dr I was blind to the signs that my roommate was attracted to me, and now that I finally know what I've been missing out on, it's too late to do anything about it because my roommate is moving overseas.

r/tifu 19d ago Rocket Like I'll Drink to That Gold Keep Calm Take My Energy Bravo! Bravo Grande!

M TIFU- I made fun of a guy who doesn't know how to do laundry.

18.3k Upvotes

I started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago. Let me be clear, we have known each other for a long time because he was a friend of my cousin. He asked me out few weeks ago and I said yes. I have known him since I was like 15. I also know his family too because our moms were colleagues. So, anyway, he came to my house 5 days ago to pick me up because we were having a picnic date. I was in the living room watching a kid's show "Phineas and Ferb". I really like this show. I have been watching the re-runs since I was a kid. This cartoon had a huge impact in my life. I still watch it whenever my mood is off so that I can still cling on to the innocent child inside me. I was laughing at a part. And he was standing next to me. He was a little confused judging by his expression.

He asked me if my nephew was in the house. I told him no. Then he asked me then who is watching cartoon since all of my family members are adults. I told him I was watching it. And I really like this cartoon. I then proceed to tell him that I still watch this particular cartoon because it was a part of my childhood and I have some good memories linked to it. He told me it is really embarrassing and ridiculous. I asked why. He told me that I am a 24 yr old woman. Why am I watching something kids watch and I need to grow up. It really bothered me. I don't think there is an age limit to watching cartoons.

Since that day he would make fun of me. Whenever we go to restaurant he would jokingly order from the kids menu. He would talk to me in baby voice as if I am a kid. Whenever I tell him to stop he would say "Awww, lil 'op' got mad? How cute." and sometimes even use phrases like young lady. It was really frustrating. Today we went to a party, his friends were there too. I was meeting them for the first time. He introduced me and said to his friends that he needs to be locked up because he is technically dating a minor. He then tells them how I still watch cartoons and they all laughed. Some of them find it awkward. He also made fun of my height too (I am 5'4 and he is 6'1). He proceeds to shuffle my hair like people do on kids. I got mad and told him "It's funny how he makes fun of me being a kid, yet he still needs his mommy to do his laundry." His smile just wiped out of his face. I further said "Well at least this kid knows how to keep herself clean and know how to drive unlike him who failed the driving test 2 times." The room went silent.

Later when I got home, I got calls from my cousin that I overreacted and embarrassed him in front of his friends. And he was right to make fun of me because who the hell watches cartoon when they are adults. I told her I am not interested in entertaining boys who feels like they can make fun of anyone they want but when someone does the same they act like little babies. I guess that is it. Probably the shortest relationship I have been on.

TLDR: A guy I was seeing made fun of me because I watch "Phineas and Ferb" in front of his friends. So I gave him the taste of his own medicine. Now he is pissed.

Mini Update: Well my cousin again texted me. She told me he was upset and after the party he went home with his "girl best friend" and spend the night there. She wants me to apologies because apparently "I am letting a good guy slip." Well, let him slip. Slip inside a volcano.

r/tifu 10d ago Heartwarming Bravo Grande! Super Heart Eyes Timeless Beauty All-Seeing Upvote

M TIFUpdate: I contacted my ex roommate and confessed my feelings properly NSFW

17.6k Upvotes

Original post.

I'm gonna refer to my roommate as my friend because we're no longer roommates. She's in the UK now. I video called her this morning. She showed me her new house and thanked me for secretly packing one of my shirts in her luggage. It was the same shirt she slept in when I was away and she was alone in our apartment. Based on the strong reactions I received in my original post, I decided to tell my friend that I feel like the biggest idiot for letting her slip through my fingers and I regret not making one single move when she gave me so many chances.

At some point she had to tell me to take a breath because I couldn't stop talking about all the times I thought about telling her how hot she was. I had my own list this time. A list of random moments when I almost shared my feelings with her. She asked if I was still a virgin, which caught me off guard, not gonna lie. I awkwardly said yes. My friend said she had a feeling that was the case and asked me more questions to establish how experienced or inexperienced I was when it came to the opposite sex. I answered honestly, which was embarrassing because I've never been in a relationship and I've done nothing more than kiss a few girls in the past.

My friend said "hear me out" and suggested that we pretend to be roommates during our video call. Then she said I should forget about the missed opportunities and focus on the fact that she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. I had to imagine that we were still sharing an apartment, she never moved out, and we were both about to make the first move. I'm not gonna go into too much detail, but for the first time ever we were very clear about what we wanted to do each other. The things she said to me gave me a boner. She actually convinced me to show it to her.

More might have happened, but a random bug flew past her and she freaked out. It was hilarious. Anyway, that is my update. It's not the biggest success story, but it's something. I don't know what any of this means for my friend and I, but it's been an interesting journey so far and I hope it continues.

Tl:dr I was blind to the signs that my roommate was attracted to me, and when I finally found out what I've been missing out on, it was too late to do anything about it because my now ex roommate has moved overseas. But, as per my update, we're now having sexy video calls, so there's that.

r/tifu 4d ago All-Seeing Upvote Coin Gift Gold Platinum Wholesome Heartwarming Tearing Up Hugz Take My Energy LOVE!

M TIFU by asking my dad for a new sweatshirt

15.1k Upvotes

I guess I will begin this post. I’m a 16 year old boy. My dad is 37.

My dad, never graduated high school, he lived in a bad neighborhood and got in with a bad crowd. He would then spend a few years in prison.

At twenty one, my dad had me with my mom. My dad told me my mom abandoned me, when I tried reaching out to her (he advised me not to) she blocked me on Facebook.

At twenty-one, my dad had inherited his parents trailer and a bit of their land so we had a place to stay. Our trailer isn’t a lot, but it’s our home.

My dad, due to his criminal record, has to work for a construction company. He’s tried to climb up the ladder in the past years but his criminal record and lack of education stopped him from doing so.

I begged him to allow me to get a job but he got angry at me saying he wasn’t gonna have his own child providing for him.

My dad regrets his past, but he’s always told me he can’t change it. He’s been the best dad in the world, and I appreciate him so much. He never got into another relationship to take care of me. A part of me feels guilty because he stopped his entire life for me.

My dad doesn’t make much money, we have a lot of bills and he has some debts so we don’t have much wiggle room.

Last time I got brand new clothes was on my fifteenth birthday. My dad took me shopping at Walmart with his stimulus check. I got a bunch of clothes. However, I guess you could call me a late bloomer and I outgrew most of them. (Mainly the shirts because my shoulders broadened out and it began hurting and stretching my clothes) (I tried stealing some from the lost and found but none fit me)

When my dad got home, he made dinner and while we were eating and watching tv I asked him if we could buy a new sweatshirt or two.

He gets this really saddened look on his face, to sum up the conversation, he explained that we really didn’t have the money, and how we needed food. and he’d start putting aside some for a few months from now.

I got glum and disappointed and went to my room. I don’t blame my father for any of our troubles, he’s a great dad. I’m just frustrated at the situation.

That’s when I peaked my head out of my head room. My father was crying. I wanted to approach him and give him a hug but I’ve never been good with emotions that much. I’ve barely seen my father cry. I just went back to sleep.

My father had been hellbent on me staying in high school, and I’m a good student, I get mainly A’s, and I intend to go to college.

Tomorrow I’m gonna write my dad a note and leave it to him before I go to school. I’m still deciding what I’m gonna say cause I’m still crying a little, but here’s the jist.

Hey dad, I just wanna thank you for everything you’ve done for me and all the sacrifices you made. I promise when I’m making a lot of money after college, we’ll get out of this trailer, and move into a big house. You can have all the Xbox games you want and finally have the childhood that was taken from you. I understand that everything you’ve done was to give me the things you never had and I’m eternally grateful. Thank you for everything. I love you dad.

Edit 1: I can’t send messages due to the new account but just know I was trying to send everyone a Heart message and a thank you for the advice. The app says I’m not accepting dms bc a glitch. But for everyone who is giving advice I am reading ❤️

Edit 2: I will update, and I don’t think I’m gonna post a Amazon wishlist, it means a lot everyone is asking. ❤️ sorry guys trolls are downvoting everyone.

TLDR; I asked my dad when we’re financially struggling for some new clothes and seen him cry

r/tifu 25d ago Gold Facepalm

M TIFU by taking my wedding ring off at the gym

30.4k Upvotes

TIFU up taking my wedding ring off at the gym.

Longtime lurker, first time poster and I am posting from my phone so please forgive formatting.

I have just recently arrived home following this FU. I, a very happily married 36M with a small herd of children have been going to the gym in my little town since November 2022. I always go after getting the kids to bed which generally puts me there around 830pm.

The gym I go to has two rooms. One has cardio equipment (ellipticals, treadmills, bikes etc) the other room has free weights and various other torture devices.

My routine begins the same every time with 9.1-9.5 miles on the bike, which leaves me in a state similar to that of a walrus that has just managed to pull himself onto an iceberg, very wet and breathing heavy. This process takes me to about 8:55 pm. I enjoy hitting weights at this time because the gym is often (not always) empty and it leaves me to grunt and groan in peace. Tonight the gym was not empty when I entered the weight room.

Now I mentioned that I have been going to the gym since early November. In that time I have gotten used to the people that do spend time in the gym past 9 and this person was new. Not a big deal, she had brought her own yoga mat (the ones in the gym are blue and red and this one was tyedyeish) and she had her phone set up on a stand, I assumed she was making a video. Both of these observations were made as I walked down to my trusty bench to start my bent over rows.

I grabbed my dumbbells and sat down to continue my ritual and TIFU. I always remove my wedding ring before I lift and tuck it in my right sock for safe keeping. If I try to wear it, it digs into my hand and makes things most unpleasant. So I start grunting out reps with ol’ righty and just nicely switched to lefty when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I stopped what I was doing and turned to see new girl standing behindish me sporting a menacing glare and wielding her iPhone. I popped out my ear bud and asked what was up. The following conversation is as I remember it.

Me: Hey, what’s up?

New Girl: You’re disgusting.

Me: Excuse me?

NG: You saw me in here and took off your ring, planning on chatting me up? (This is a little paraphrased, she swore a little too and I wasn’t taking perfect notes)

Me: What?

NG: You’re gross.

Me: Ok.

I proceeded to put my earbuds back in and get to work while she stormed to the other side of the gym and started packing up her stuff. I watched her head for the exit while I was resting between sets. Anyway, I’m rowing away and out of no where I’m blasted with a cascade of liquid which leads me to drop my dumbbell and spin around to see what’s going on. There’s new girl with her recently emptied pink yeti screaming at me ( I’m assuming for being gross, it was unclear as I had my buds in still.) I remove my ear buds so I can understand her and she storms away. I think the highlight of the exchange is that my gym shirt now smells like vodka. Do most people drink at the gym? Am I doing this wrong?

I’m home, showered and explained why my shirt smells like I’ve had a raging party to my wife. We’ve both had a good laugh. If I see new girls video on social media I’ll be sure to share it here. I don’t know who she was but it’s a pretty small town so it might pop up. Cheers.

TL;DR I took off my wedding ring at the gym causing a lady I’ve never met before to go bananas.

EDIT: Well this got a lot of attention! So I had emailed the gym owner last night at the request of my wife. (She feels the same as many of you that this lady could be dangerous to others). He has already emailed back. Apparently new girl received a ban early 2022 for aggressive behaviour with another gym patron. Owner is going to call me later today for some follow up.

I will definitely look into the silicone rings, thanks everybody!

EDIT: Final Update. I had initially planned on responding to a bunch of the comments but there are just so many…

Anyway, new girls previous aggression was verbal. The gym owner has deactivated her key fob and placed her on perma ban. He has also called a few of the smaller gyms in the area to give them a heads up (super cool dude).

Thanks everybody for the thoughts and advice. I know I’ve let a bunch of you down by not pressing charges etc. But I also know I have made many of you proud by completing my cardio after lifting tonight. Before I left for the gym tonight my wife recommended a rain coat for protection (she’s the best).

That’s all for now unless the video surfaces. Cheers.

r/tifu 18d ago Gold hehehehe Bravo! Table Slap I'll Drink to That Glow Up

M TIFU by cleaning my husband's girlfriend's sh*t stain off our couch. NSFW

13.4k Upvotes

Obligatory this happened a few months ago. Hopefully this doesn't violate the vulgarity rule.

Some background: my husband and I are polyamorous. We date other people consensually. This is not a story about cheating spouses. Typically, if one of us has a date over, it will be on a night that the other spouse has plans and is out of the house (for privacy). We also have a rule that we do not engage in sexual acts with other people in our bed (for sanitary reasons).

So, as I mentioned, this happened a few months ago. I was out, and my husband had a 'friend' over. They watched a movie, hooked up, and ordered some food. After their date, I come home, and he tells me how it went. While recounting the evening, he mentions to me that they got freaky on the couch in the living room (not unheard of, the couch is really easy to clean), and that it ended in anal sex. Anal isn't really my thing, so I was happy that they could enjoy that together.

I work from home. My husband does not. Because of my neurodivergent brain, I have a hard time staying or working in one place, so I tend to move around the house a lot - in the kitchen, in the office, in our bed, in the living room.

At some point, I plop down on the couch and notice a brown smear. I freeze. Is that what I think it is?!?! I am horrified. Disgusted. Not knowing what to do, I get some cleaning supplies and quickly clean it up. It comes off easily. No smell. I wash my hands and continue about my day.

Here's where I fuck up. My husband comes home, and I am too mortified to tell him what I saw/cleaned up. I just can't form the words to tell him. So I keep it to myself. For SEVERAL DAYS. I'm not sure how many. I am simply too shocked and embarrassed to bring it up to him.

Finally, I decided it's time to breech the subject because, after days of deliberation, I decide that I can't have shit stains on my couch again in the future. This will not stand. I bring it up to him as gently as I can, telling him that I found a stain of questionable origin on the couch and cleaned it up for him. I ask, in the future, when he's getting busy with a date to please be more aware of his surroundings and considerate to me. For a moment, his face is pure horror. And then, he bursts into laughter. He's laughing so hard; he could barely tell me that it wasn't shit I cleaned off the couch. After their romp, they ordered ice cream to be delivered, and it was covered in some peanut butter/fudge sauce. Obviously, I didn't dare smell the substance on the couch, but if I had, I would have known it was peanut butter that I had cleaned, not his girlfriend's fecal matter. And then he asked me why I had kept it to myself for DAYS instead of addressing it with him immediately. We still laugh about it often. The moral of the story is to ALWAYS have clear communication with your partner(s).

TL;DR - Husband and I are poly. He and his gf had anal sex on the couch. I find a brown stain and clean it up, but I'm too embarrassed to confront him about it. Turns out the stain was peanut butter, not feces.

Edit: Wow rip my inbox lol. To the person that enjoyed this story enough to give me gold, thank you you're awesome. To all the hateful and judgy people in these comments, I'm disappointed in you but not surprised.

Just because you couldn't do it, doesn't mean it's inherently flawed. My husband and I have a really awesome and loving relationship, and no, we're not getting divorced lol. Yall don't even know us, and it's really obvious that you never get laid. So judgy and jealous, sad.

No more dick pix pls.

Edit 2: thanks again for the awards lol. Some of you are nice people. I'm glad you enjoyed my funny anecdote.

For those of you that have a problem with the bed/sheets/couch thing. I get it. We have spare bedrooms that we use for this, too. It's just more fun to have sex all over the house. We've done it on the couch, in the pool, on the kitchen counters. You should try it sometime. Or if you find that gross, don't come to my house lol. I asked, and they did put down a towel before sex but removed it before ice cream arrived.

For all of you judging my relationship and telling me we're doomed, yall are really showing your insecurities and jealousy issues. Do you know that half of monogamous marriages end in divorce, right? But feel free to judge my happy marriage lol. How about this - if you really think my relationship is gonna fail, let's make a bet. For ever year we don't break up, you pay me 100 USD. If we do break up, I repay it all with 10% interest. Anyone willing to put their money where their mouth is, PM me.

Oh and PS, I marked this NSFW for a reason. Lots of yall missed that.

r/tifu 6d ago Gold

M TIFU by investigating a sound in the McDonald’s bathroom NSFW

12.7k Upvotes

This odd memory occurred roughly 4-5 years ago when I was still in high school. At the time, I 15-16M was with a small group of friends. We were all sophomores and had just started to explore the world of marijuana.

It’s a Friday or Saturday night in the summer and like any other degenerates at the time we figured, what better way to spend the evening than smoking a little Mary J and walking around town?

After our little sesh, around 8PM ish, the munchies set in, so we figured we’d make our way to McDonald’s to hangout and grab some food. Once we got there we ordered and sat down at a booth

This is where the fuck up starts- When we sit down it’s pretty obvious that other than an older couple seated nearby (think mid 60’s early 70’s) we are the only people in the McDonald’s, and we are acting like very high children

While waiting for our food, I realize I need to pee so I head to the bathroom. I go in and head to a urinal which conveniently had a bit of a partition wall giving a bit of extra privacy between the urinal and stall portions of the mens room.

While I’m peeing I start to hear the weirdest sound and at first I wasn’t able to even tell if I was just high, or actually hearing something/someone else In the bathroom with me.

My curiosity gets the best of me and I peek my head around the mini partition wall only to lock eyes with a man (easily in his 30’s or 40’s), presumably with down syndrome, masturbating with the stall door wide open. He was really going at it and when I caught him he got scared and started screaming. I ran out, also extremely scared and very high, and unfortunately, told my friends loudly that “ a R******* was jerking off in the bathroom”

Well, as soon as I said that the only other people in the McDonald’s- the old couple - immediately burst into tears and run into the bathroom to take care of who I can only presume to be their adult son.

I know that it was completely wrong for me to have used those words, despite me being quite shaken up by what I walked in. But man, the way that the mom reacted to what I said has stuck with me forever, just a look of sheer terror and exhaustion.

TL;DR Walked in on an adult Down Syndrome man masturbating in McDonald’s bathroom and caused family chaos by sharing my experience to my high friends in a derogatory manor :(

Edit: just to clarify a few things 1) I was in no means traumatized by this event, I was already joking about it later the same night with my friends and after the initial shock I understood that the guy was mentally handicapped and I’d never hold it against him

2) Seeing his parents reactions to what I said affected me much more than the incident itself. I really was only a kid at the time, but the instant switch from calm to panic in their eyes definitely taught me a lot about how my words affect others and also made me respect how much parents of disabled children do exponentially more

r/tifu 6d ago

M TIFU by making my buddy realize his daughter is probably not his.

2.8k Upvotes

Throaway, since my buddies gf knows my reddit. I don't even know how to start. But here it goes: me and my buddy are both in our mid 20s and work as engineers for the same company and we've know each other since high school and hes pretty much my best friend. We played a couple of rounds of cs tonight and were talking via discord. His gf works as a nurse at the night shifts sometimes, we usually use this time to game. The usual stuff. After the game we decided to take a quick break for a couple of minutes, so we did the usual shit chat. We somehow talked about school and how both of us really never enjoyed their time there as we grow up (we had both been bullied for being nerdish back in our school days). My buddy said that he hopes his daughter who is 3 f will have a much nicer time later in school/high school compared to him. It got to the point where we talked about all the "unimportant" stuff we had to learn while we were there. Well for me I've always disliked biology classes as I hated the teacher back then, I mean really hated them. And I said jokingly to my buddy trying to sound like my old teacher "the only things my 6th grade biology teacher taught us are "mitochondria are the power plants of the cell" and "you can tell if ya mama cheated by your eye color". My buddy laughing at this point "really the eye color?" and I said "yes, apparently." My buddy "how?". Me "take me for example, I have blue eyes and so does my sister. Apparently blue eyes are what call a recessive gene. If one parent has blue eyes and the other has brown there is only a small chance for your kid to be born with blue eyes. Well my parents both also have blue eyes of their own. So it would be more than unlikely for me to have brown eyes..." My buddy said " the more you know" than paused for a second. Than he said "be right back, gotta make surez the little one goes sleep now" after that he returned roughly a minute later and I could hear him almost sobbing "me and my gf also both have blue eyes... But my daughter doesn't". It took me sometime but I could calm him down eventually. So after that we both spent some time googling away but nope blue eyes are recessive as I remembered. We found out that if both parents have blue eyes the ratio is 99% blue eyes and 1 % brown or green, so highly unlikely. My buddy quickly disconnected from the call. I tried to text and call him. But he didn't answer until 30 mins later saying he will call me soon. I stayed up all night telling my gf to go to bed without me.The longer I waited I started fearing for the worst. I texted him again and again, he always answered he'll call me in a couple of minutes. At 5 am he finally called me back and said that his gf came home at 2:30 am and asked him what's wrong, he told her hes not filling well and will soon get back to bed. He waited until she was asleep to call me back. He told me he will take a paternity test behind her back to have something official to "slap" in her face. Then he started to cry and I drove to his place to pick him up and we went to a late night drive thru and greped something to eat. I've never seen my best friend like this and I feel like I'm the one responsible for crushing his world. He told that he wanted to propose to her on valentine's day. But that's off the table. I dropped him off two hours later at his place. He said he will call me tomorrow. Now I'm typing this out laying in my bed next to my gf who slept the whole time unable to sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I destroyed my buddies life.

TL;DR My buddy and I were talking about 6th grade biology and found out while talking about it that he and his gf both have blue eyes and his daughter has brown eyes. So he's likely not the father and I feel like I've destroyed his life by casual mentioning 6th grade biology.

Update! He is not the father. So the results came in today, and my buddy called me right away. He showed the results his now ex gf and she broke down claiming that even if their daughter is not his, that they should work this one out. My buddy has told her "no" and that he will not raise somebody else's kid. She started to demand that, since he has been raising her for 3 years now and that she had in fact stopped sleeping around 2 years ago so there all "good" now and can work this over. He's now crashing at my place while giving them 10 days to find a new place to stay. My buddy also told me he's giving her 10 only for the kids sake, otherwise he would have thrown her out right away. He's also looking for lawyer should there by a aftermath to this but test is more than sufficient were we live so, he's pretty much of the hook.

Also if you are wondering the hospital does 3 tests back to back to make sure. Also also my buddy is the only one paying for the apartment and 2 cars they own and he will sell hers to his niece. TL;DR Buddy got the results and he's not the father.

r/tifu 16d ago 100 Percent FU

M TIFU by getting circumcised as an adult NSFW

7.0k Upvotes

This happened in April 2022. I was having slight issues with the frenulum part of my penis being too tight not allowing for comfortable sex. I saw a GP and she referred me to a private circumcision clinic. They were more than happy to get that piece removed so the issues would stop moving into the future. They also suggested circumcision with this procedure as it was a common surgery to do at the same time. I hadn’t even thought about circumcision unless it was for cultural reasons so I started researching it and agreed to the procedure.

The next appointment was a dual appointment including consultation and surgery on the same day. After I was prepped for surgery I was curious and started watching the doctor and nurse do their thing after the local anaesthetic shots. They marked how much skin they were going to remove and it was shocking. Half of the entire skin on my penis was marked and knowing they are the experts in the matter I didn’t bring anything up and let them complete the surgery.

I remember struggling everyday with the head being extremely sensitive to the touch of the underwear.

After I healed up properly for sexual activities which takes about 6-8 weeks (8 weeks for me), I was finally interested in trying out my new anatomy. I had a look and became erect, to realise there isn’t any loose skin to be able to use to do the deed. I searched online and there was very little information that I was taking in at the time. Here I am frantically trying to pull my non existent foreskin back and forth and having no idea how it is possible to masturbate without one. I ended up finding a lot of lotion and being extremely gentle until I finally worked out that you need lubricant if you have had a circumcision. I felt so stupid as the doctors said there wouldn’t be any big changes.

TLDR: was circumcised for a penis related issue, healing was painful, the head rubbing the underwear was unbearable, and I forgot how to masturbate. Sorry if this is poorly written it is my first time sharing this fu with anyone. Overall would not recommend getting your foreskin sliced off as an adult it is very painful and changes your penis drastically.

r/tifu 17d ago Wholesome Seal of Approval Giggle Snek Table Slap

M TIFU falling asleep while watching a movie NSFW

13.2k Upvotes

Yesterday I (22m) was on a plane. A 2 hour flight, scheduled to land at 8pm. I had the window seat. Two other passengers were sitting next to me. A young couple. The woman was sitting in the middle. She was squeezing her boyfriend's hand the entire time. Anxiety most likely. The weather was pretty bad. I could relate to how the woman was feeling, but instead of cutting off the blood circulation in another person's hand, I tried to distract myself by watching a movie on my laptop. The movie I chose to watch was called Violation. A movie my roommate recommended to me. It was almost as long as my flight was gonna be, so I thought why not.

I fell asleep while watching Violation. "It's a suuuuuuper fucked up revenge movie, you'll love it" my roommate said. I was sold. Well, my roommate didn't mention that it was also suuuuuper boring. The movie did one thing right though, it managed to put me to sleep during a turbulent flight. I woke up to someone tapping my shoulder. It was the passenger next to me. At that moment I noticed one of the flight attendants staring at me. I removed my headphones, thinking we were about to land. Nope. The flight attendant wanted to inform me that some of the passengers were uncomfortable with what I was watching on my laptop.

I looked at my laptop and noticed a naked guy sitting in a chair with a blindfold and a fully exposed erection. The dude's dick was literally flexing. I had no context of what was happening in that scene, but I instantly closed my laptop and apologized. As the flight attendant walked away, I heard a female passenger behind me thank the flight attendant. When I looked at the couple next to me, I realized that the boyfriend was now sitting next to me and not his girlfriend. I obviously made the girlfriend uncomfortable as well, hence the seat swap. The two of them avoided eye contact with me at all cost, even when we landed.

When it was time for my section to get up and grab our luggage, the female passenger behind me said I should be ashamed for playing dirty movies on a plane when there are children around. I locked eyes with her little boy who made it clear to me that he could spell Spongebob. I apologized to the mom and awkwardly looked away. I could feel people staring at me. Fuck that movie.

Tl:dr Fell asleep on the plane while watching a movie on my laptop. Woke up to the flight attendant telling me that other passengers were complaining about the movie I was sleeping through. Realized that the movie had sexually explicit male nudity.

r/tifu 24d ago UpSnoo! Silver Platinum hehehehe I'm Deceased Gold Take My Energy Press F Lawyer Up

M TIFU by holding a grudge for 29 years against a kid at school who called me "Carrot Boy"

16.6k Upvotes

The names including my own have been modified to false names.

About 29 years ago I was in the third grade. I took one of the carrot packs out of my lunch box, the kind that came with a little cup of ranch dressing. All of the sudden this kid Balthasar said "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" Everyone at the whole lunch table started to laugh. I couldn't believe it.

For some reason, that incident really stuck with me. Nobody really brought it up again, but I became self-conscious in elementary school for eating carrots. Later, I lost the self consciousness, but all through school and into adulthood I always thought of that and built it up in my head as this big disrespectful insult to me. Whenever I eat carrots, the memory pops up, basically involuntarily. Whenever I see carrots I remember Balthasar going "Hey everyone look, Tim is a Carrot Boy!" And hear the laughter.

What you should know is that I am from a small town, and although I left a lot of the kids I knew are still there. I saw that over the holidays there was an impromptu high school reunion event scheduled. I decided to show up, I haven't seen these people regularly in a long time.

Well who should be there but Balthasar? All of the sudden the old anger welled up in me. I don't know what I was thinking, it seems so ridiculous now, but I saw a big tray of carrots meant for everyone at the buffet table, and I picked up the entire tray and carried it to Balthie's table. I started eating carrots angrily. Everyone at the table and surrounding tables was staring at me. I then said "Guess I'm still a Carrot Boy, huh??!"

I almost immediately realized my fuck up when everyone looked at me like I was insane and had no idea what I was referencing. So I awkwardly asked Baltho and the other people around if they remembered him calling me a carrot boy in third grade, and nobody did. So I was like "This did happen, you really did call me a carrot boy." And he was like "Uh...okay? Sorry man?" Somebody next to me put their hand on my arm and whispered to me "Are you okay?", as if I was having a mental breakdown or something.

I was so embarrassed that I just got up and left. Multiple people have texted me asking me if I am alright, and why did I do that, and did I really hold a grudge for some "innocuous, silly remark that a third grader made almost thirty years ago?"

When it was put to me like that, I realized maybe I was the one being weird. Balthasar wasn't like a bully or something, aside from that one insult he never did anything else to me and in high school was kind of known as being a do-gooder. I had built it up as this major incident but nobody else even remembered it.

I was horrified to find that several people from the reunion unfriended me on Facebook, and I saw photos of the event and somebody had tagged me in the background as "Carrot Boy", and none other than Balthasar responded to the post asking the poster to remove the tag, even though several other people had replied with laugh emoji's.

Now I feel like I have made a huge fool of myself and can never show myself in this town again. Well, maybe that's okay, I don't like the town anyways. But I am so embarrassed I can hardly sleep and it has been a few weeks since the incident. Oh god.

TL;DR - In third grade this kid called me "Carrot Boy" and I have had a grudge about it ever since and I made a fool of myself at a reunion.

r/tifu 17d ago Gold Wholesome (Pro)

M TIFU by not sexually assaulting a girl on the first date. NSFW

20.8k Upvotes

I [28M] matched with this girl [22F] on bumble last year. We've been talking for a month now, we hit it off well. She's pretty, smart, likes the same things I do. We've sexted and talked about kinds and what not, but couldn't meet up until this past weekend because I was out of town.

For context, she likes CNC (Consensual Non Consent), and has other submissive kinds. Which I not only like, but was looking forward to practice with her.

Anyway, This Saturday we were able to meet up for the first time. I cooked dinner, and then we started watching cartoons (one of those things we have in common). Then naturally we start to make out, things get heated. Clothes start to be flung around.

But then she says "Not yet". I stop... we watch a bit more cartoons naked... then things get heated again. And she says No again.

I'm not a complete moron mind you, and I knew she was into CNC. So I asked her if this was it? Because for CNC, I need the Consent part and to know that. Also need to kind of agreeable way ta she can retract consent after we start.

She says it isn't, she just didn't want to have sex today. I respected her wishes. We continue watching cartoons and fooling around without sex. Until she said it was getting late and she need to go home.

In my mind we had a perfect first date, I thought things were great. Well... Sunday we texted normally, she said she enjoyed our date and I said the same. Monday and yesterday she was kinda distant, but I guesses she was busy. But last night I asked her if she was free this weekend for us to meet again. She says she doesn't really want to go out with me anymore...

I asked what happened and she said she wanted to have sex Saturday, and I was "too week to get it out of her". I said I asked about the CNC and if that what she wanted, and she said that I bringing that up killed the mood completely and "dried her up".

So that's it. I lost a [apparent] perfect girl because I wasn't willing to have sex with her without her consent.

TL;DR Invited girl with CNC fetiche that doesn't understand the the Consensual part of "Consensual Non Consent", she didn't like I didn't sexually assault her. Doesn't want to go out with me anymore.

r/tifu 14d ago

M TIFU by discussing finances with my daughter

2.2k Upvotes

First, I want to apologize in advance because I am not technologically literate and had never even heard of Reddit until a friend showed it to me this morning. He helped me set up an account and well here I am.

Now that I have that out of the way I'll get down to the brass tax.

I am a 56-year-old man (57 in three weeks). About two years ago My doctor told me that he had some concerns about some test results. After several tests he was able to determine I did indeed have a brain tumor. It is inoperable and as of last week my oncologist told me I have about a year left if I am lucky. I've made my peace with that. The reason I am here is because I have child and she is 27. I have all of my final arrangements made the only thing left to do was sit down, tell her everything, explain my will and do my best to help her come to terms with things.

She took the news how I expected she would and after some tears, some hot chocolate and homade cookies, she was feeling a bit better. Then I began explaining the will to her, I gave her a copy to read over and as she read it her face went from sadness to anger. She slammed the will down and was furious when she found out my net worth. It's a lot I'll admit it but I never expected her reaction to it. She flew off the handle screaming at me because I never told her before, how could I make her go without as a kid, and yadda yadda yadda. Then she punched me in the face before storming out of my house and driving off as fast as she could.

Its true I didn't give her everything she always wanted as a child, we lived a nice middle class lifestyle. I worked, and did my best to instill a good work ethic in her. I didn't want to spoil her and turn her into an entitled little brat. I did make sure that she graduated college debt free, and always helped when she had emergencies.

Now I wonder if what I did was wrong. Now I don't know if I should have told her or not.

TL;DR

I discussed my net worth with my daughter and she broke my nose.

r/tifu 21d ago Wholesome

M TIFU by glancing at my boyfriend’s phone while out to dinner

11.3k Upvotes

This just happened last night. I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and before the server took our order, I went to the bathroom. When I got back to sit down, my boyfriend’s phone was open on the table and I happened to notice a message from someone with red hearts. I honestly at first thought nothing of it. I wasn’t even trying to look at his phone, it just happened to be right there. I’m not a jealous person, he’s never given me any reason to think he’s cheating and we have a very healthy relationship. I do however struggle with intrusive thoughts and trauma from from people burning me in the past. I’ve been in therapy and I’ve made a lot of progress and haven’t had any major episodes in a long time.

But when my boyfriend immediately picked up his phone and says “I have to text my boss real quick” I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I was being irrational. He literally could have had to text his boss and just remembered at that moment and the hearts could have been from his mom for all I know. So I told myself to let it go because like I said, he’s never given me a reason to doubt him and we’ve always had a very trusting relationship…. But for some reason every single thing he said & did after that sent me into a spiral. I started rapidly switching between thinking I was being irrational for no reason whatsoever to thinking he’s secretly a narcissist.

Eventually it got to the point where I was on the verge of tears. And not because I genuinely thought he was cheating on me, but because I could feel myself spiraling and it was upsetting considering I hadn’t had an episode like this in years. I didn’t want to say anything to him cause I felt stupid, but knew if I didn’t talk to him about it, it was going to eat me up inside, regardless of how irrational I knew my thinking was.

So I told him what I saw and how I was feeling and he immediately grabbed his phone and showed me every person he’s talked to today….. but it turned out that the hearts were actually on a text from me. Before I went to the bathroom I had texted him my order so that he could tell the server if he came while I was gone, which I completely forgot about. Yeah, I’m a fucking idiot. I apologized 100 times and told him I truly didn’t think he was cheating, but I definitely let the intrusive thoughts win that time. He wasn’t upset and we laughed about it and had a great rest of our night.

TLDR: I glanced over at my boyfriends phone and saw hearts and thought he might have been texting another girl only to find out that the hearts were from me

Edit: I was not expecting this to blow up like it did (I know that’s what everyone says lol) and it’s kind of overwhelming trying to respond to everyone. But I wanted to say thanks to everyone that had something kind and supportive to say and that understood that this was a case of solid communication and not straight up accusation. I was just trying to tell a funny story and most of you got that so thank you. I also wanted to clarify for people asking how I forgot so quickly that I sent the hearts, I didn’t just send the hearts as I was walking to the bathroom, only my food order. The hearts were further up in the texts from earlier that day. I should have specified that. I am quite forgetful regardless though.

r/tifu 22d ago Evil Cackle Shocked Cake

M TIFU adding my number to my mom's group chat NSFW

10.6k Upvotes

Yesterday my mom asked me to show her how to create a WhatsApp group on her phone. Her smartphone is brand new and she's new to smartphones. Her previous phone was only capable of doing the bare minimum when it came to communication and she was happy with that. Well, her old phone died recently and her plan was to go back to the early 2000s and find another bare minimum phone, but I was like fuck that, mother... I'm getting you a proper phone that didn't have an annoying cartridge game ringtone whenever it switched on.

I've been teaching my mom how to use her new phone for the past 2 weeks now. She's a slow learner, but she is making progress, which brings me back to the WhatsApp group. I talked her through the process and even showed her how to add someone to the group. I suggested that she add my contact just to demonstrate how simple it was. As soon as she added me to the group, I said well done mom, put my headphones back on, and continued my online gaming session. I must have played for over an hour without checking my phone. When I finally put my controller down, I noticed that I had 28 messages. All in my mom's group.

At that moment I realized I never exited my mom's group or showed her how to un-add me. I thought it would be funny to send a message in the group and inform my mom that I forgot to show her how to remove me. I never sent that message. I was too traumatized. It became clear to me that the purpose of the group was for my mom and her friends to share cake ideas. Specific cake ideas. Based on the messages I saw, my mom wanted a cake for my dad's upcoming birthday that looked exactly like her vagina. Not only that, she wanted the cake to be edible and somehow fuckable as well. Like she literally wanted a real penis to at least be able to penetrate the cake without destroying it.

One of my mom's friends said that she knew someone who specialized in "erotic cakes" and then asked my mom if she was willing to send that person a picture of her vagina since my mom didn't want a random vagina cake. Before my mom could respond, another friend decided to share an old photo of my young mom and a few other young people who were about to go skinny dipping. Everyone in the photo was naked. My mom was spreading her butt cheeks and mooning the photographer. The person who sent the photo said "I hope you learned to shave over the years before you send that photo." This was like the first 6 or 7 messages in the group. There was a lot more to read, but I had seen too much, so I exited the group as quietly as possible.

I have no idea how no one noticed I was there and I don't know if they noticed me leave. My mom isn't acting weird around me, even though I'm being weird as fuck, so I want to believe that I might be in the clear. That being said, I now know what my mom's vagina looked like when she was my age, and I now have nightmares of my soon to be 60 year old dad fucking a vagina cake.

TL:DR Showed my mom how to create a WhatsApp group. Used my contact as an example of how to add someone. Forgot to remove my contact or show my mom how to delete me from the group when I was done demonstrating. Ended up seeing my mom and her friends casually sharing ideas for fuckable birthday cakes and a naked photo of my mom.

r/tifu 28d ago Gold Poop

M TIFU using the toilet in front of my gf NSFW

9.0k Upvotes

Throwaway.

A few days ago my gf (22) and I (25m) showered together. It doesn't happen often, but when it does happen, I make the most of it. I was kissing and touching my gf when I suddenly received a distress signal from my butthole. The message was clear. Number 2 was imminent. Without wasting time, I was out of the shower and on the toilet. My gf prepared to escape the bathroom when she realized what was happening. She never saw me take a dump before. In fact, she's never seen any of her previous partners take dumps. Or so I was told. She managed to avoid it because she never wanted to be THAT comfortable with someone she was sleeping with. Fair enough. However, I had no time to wait for my gf to wash some of the shampoo out of her hair, grab a towel and eventually leave the bathroom. Nature was calling. I had to react.

As soon as my gf saw me turn into a super saiyan on the toilet, she ran out of the bathroom completely naked. That was the last time my gf and I shared the bathroom. She locks the bathroom now. But that's not the worst part. Our sex life is not the same anymore. My gf is struggling to fully enjoy herself in bed because she's associating my pushing out the brownies face with my trying not to cum face. I know how silly it sounds. My gf and I laughed about it at first, but it soon became frustrating for both of us. We argued a few times. In one of our arguments, the most recent one actually, I said it was fucking dumb that she was allowing poop to affect us like this. She cried and said I wouldn't understand how she felt because I've never been in a relationship with a person who was usually too drunk to clean up their own mess in the bathroom or elsewhere.

I knew she had an ex who used to drink a lot, but I had no idea it was that bad. She literally listed all the times she had to clean him up whenever he opened the backdoor in his pants. I got the picture pretty quickly, but I was too scared to interrupt her because she was fired up and pissed off at that point. I awkwardly apologized for not clenching my butthole for as long as possible and promised to work on a new sex face that looked nothing like my constipated face. That made my gf laugh, which also made me laugh. We hugged it out. Fingers crossed I didn't doom our sex life.

Tl:dr Took a dump in front of my gf for the first and last time because now she's unable to separate my constipated face from my sex face, which is making it difficult for her to fully enjoy sex. It also didn't help that my actions triggered a very traumatic experience from her past.

r/tifu Jan 03 '23 Silver Helpful Wholesome Table Slap

M TIFU by repeatedly shooting my boss in the head [UPDATE]

17.9k Upvotes

Almost two weeks ago, I repeatedly shot my boss in the head at a paintball event with some colleagues from work. If you haven’t read that post, I’ve copied it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zv2uhr/tifu_by_repeatedly_shooting_my_boss_in_the_head/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Last week, I noticed my boss scheduled a meeting for everyone that went paintballing that day.

Today was that meeting.

I was anxious all day and barely got any work done. I kept reading comments back to myself about how he is going to recognise my voice, or that he had a mental breakdown of some kind and that I irresponsibly failed to notice before shooting another four paintballs straight at his head.

It didn’t help that people in the office were talking about how our line manager cried at paintballing. All I added to the conversation were lines like “oh yeah I saw that after the game, what happened?” and “wow that’s crazy”. It became clear that nobody really knew what happened. Most people thought that he fell and banged his head really bad or something. Everyone knew he cried, even people that didn’t go paintballing, but nobody actually knew what happened.

Only I knew he didn’t hit his head. He just took the same shot over and over to the exact same spot. He didn’t call his hit and then cried afterwards. That’s all that happened.

Once we were sat and settled in the conference room, the boss made it clear that he didn’t want anyone in the office discussing out-of-work activities during working hours. Word must have gotten round that his crying was a topic of conversation.

He said he is fine, nothing serious, and then said something that took every inch of my composure not to react. I don’t know if I can quote him word for word, but he said something like this:

“I raised my hand and was running back to base, and that’s when I slipped in the mud and hit my head against a barrel”

When he said those words, I felt like it was a Mexican standoff. He glanced around the room, looking for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. Internally though I was like what in the actual fuck are you on about?

I literally watched the paintballs one by one splat off the top of your head, over and over before you got walked out of the game by a marshal. Also, it was the top of your head that was sore. Now unless you dived like a dolphin into that barrel headfirst, I don’t see how that would be the part of your body that got injured if you actually slipped and hit something.

Externally though, my face tried to mirror the rest of the room, and was a mixture of compassion and surprise. Shout out to all of you that commented that I should practice the shocked Pikachu face – that was literally what I went for.

He still doesn’t know who did it. Everyone else believes his story. I’m not sure whether I should let it go or call him out on it.

TL;DR boss lied about why he cried after I shot him over and over in the head. I am not sure what to do.

EDIT1: My boss has sent out a late work email informing our team he will be taking the rest of the week off to recover a little more. In response, my colleagues in our group chat have decided that we should pool some money together to buy him a get well soon gift and treat him to a work lunch next week when he is back. If anything interesting happens at that lunch, I'll be sure to post an update.

r/tifu Dec 14 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome Heartwarming

M TIFU by realizing my husband and I have been miscommunicating for years

19.8k Upvotes

Today I (29M) was talking at lunch with my husband (33M) and we went over the same subject we have unsuccessfully talked about for years. Please note that we have known each other for almost 10 years, lived together 5 years, and have been married almost 3 years.

So. We were talking about dogs and cats and he said that cats are "pretty good." Now, pay attention to that wording because that's the bit where we fucked up. Over the years I had been disheartened when he said things were "pretty good." From my perspective, he seemed to be emotionally distant and unenthusiastic about things. Everything was "pretty good," and said in a very mild tone of voice. So over the years we tried to talk about it with limited success.

Today when I asked him why he never seemed to show much enthusiasm for things, he was confused as always. He said that he did show enthusiasm because he likes cats. But. You just said they were only pretty good. This confused him even more. Somehow I managed upon the magic combination of words to get him to elaborate further. Usually, he would just repeat that things are "pretty good" but today he managed to lay out his scale.

Okay < Good < Pretty Good < Great

I have... never seen "pretty good" used in that place in the scale. I always place it below good. Almost good. Mostly good. For years we had been talking about things and I had assumed he was sorta "meh" on them because of this. I had to run damage control at a thanksgiving dinner one time because he said my mom's cooking was "pretty good." We have stopped watching TV shows because I thought he was only mildly enjoying them and I didn't want to be too much of a bother. I eventually just came to the conclusion that he wasn't very expressive and tried to place his responses in my own scale because he had such difficulty explaining it.

YEARS. I got disheartened when he said my dog was "pretty good." He calls me "pretty cool!" When I told him about my scale he was shocked He says it must be a Southern thing, though I don't remember it from when I lived in Texas. We compromised and said it must be an Arkansas thing (his home state.) We both began re-examining our interactions over the years. The thanksgiving dinner. Me explaining to my brother that, "no, my husband did really like that movie, he just expresses it this way." How he talks about my dog. All of it.

When lunch was over and I assured him everything was okay, he said I was "pretty cool" and got this horrified look on his face. He realized that from my perspective he had been calling me only mostly cool/good/etc. for years. I similarly realized I had been assuming he wasn't enthusiastic about things because of the wording. It was so embarrassing! I've encouraged him to be more open about his feelings and his happiness and just confusing him for years! I'm just so baffled by everything. It's good we're learning to communicate better but JEEZ. He feels really apologetic now, and I've tried to assure him that I just assumed it was like a jokey understatement meant to be kinda funny and maybe razz me a little. But no, he was entirely sincere the whole time!

We're trying to find better ways to communicate, but it's a process. He has encouraged me to ask him "what do you think that means" as a way of getting him to rephrase some of the things he says. Hopefully we can cut down on miscommunications like this in the future.

TL;DR

Realized today that my husband uses "pretty good" to mean better than good. I think it means only mostly good. Spent years feeling slightly disheartened and sad (which he feels bad for now that he knows.)

(Edit for clarification; we're both dudes)

(Edit 2: I talked to my immediate family. Parents agree with me but my brother agrees with my husband! I have no idea anymore lol!)

r/tifu 13d ago Gold Bravo Grande! Defeated

M TIFU by giving my girlfriend an atomic wedgie NSFW

4.6k Upvotes

This happened about 20 minutes ago, and I'm currently trying not to get killed by my partner or burst out crying or laughing.

My partner [F18] and I [M21] have a bit of a competition with wedgies, It started as a playful thing when the other was distracted they would receive the wedgie of their nightmares, this normally results in me jumping like a goat in frantic panic to protect my poor gooch from a wedgie of ass destruction. Or my girlfriend yelping like a wounded goat and jumping what can only be described as 10 ft into the air in a 180° twist that would make gymnastics proud, and everyone having a giggle after the ceremonious "fuck you, you cunt"

Fast forward to today, my girlfriend and I are playing around in the bed when she's on top of me cuddling, I see my opportunity for she has made the lethal mistake of wearing a pair of my loose fitting boxers, the stars align, she's unprotected, and I move with the speed of my ancestors racing to a bottle of whisky and I pounce, time slows, I yank as she throws herself back and reaches to stop me but it's too little too late. As the loose fabric rockets up her back with the speed of a cheetah on cocaine running towards a wounded gazelle. My girlfriend screeches more than usual as I start manically laughing, proud of the perfect wedgie. I release her and she falls. It's then I realize that it's not laughing I'm hearing but crying.

Turns out I've ripped her poor hole asunder and the gooch has been rendered ruined. Proceed with the immediate regret and standard response of every boyfriend who has hurt their partner whilst play fighting, as the groveling and apologies come pouring forth. As my GF calls for sudacreme I realize that in my efforts to attain the perfect atomic wedgie, that like Oppenheimer, some power was not meant for human hands and the casualties are too high. I must now spend the rest of the night vigorously apologizing and applying sudacreme to my partners ring. Toilet roll might be put in the freezer.

TL;DR I gave my partner the wedgie of a lifetime and have torn her holes asunder, Icarus flew too close to the sun.

Edit 1: I should make it clear that my girlfriends taint/gooch is safely being cared for, as my mother always said sudacreme can cure anything except cancer, and she is now asleep having had a right good laugh at the comments.

Edit 2: spelling, as sad as it is I'm not as good a wordsmith as many of you believe, I am Scottish and we only recently have evolved to say any word past cheers, cunt and which one of you took a shite and didny flush.

Edit 3: thanks all for your kind words and criticism, can't please everyone and remember I'm not J.R.R. Tolkien or King I wrote a minor fuckup in a way to brighten people's days and have a laugh not win any writing awards, don't take it too seriously.

r/tifu 6d ago Faith In Humanity Restored

M TIFU by not HU with a girl who was drunk while I was sober

1.1k Upvotes

This happened yesterday but I’ve been dealing with the backlash all day today. Yesterday night me(18) and a few friends decided to go to a house party that another kid from my school was hosting. There’s a girl(Ann) that I don’t really know well but has some mutual friends with me that was going too and because of some rumors my friends had told me i knew Ann kinda liked me so I was planning on talking to her. Also Im almost always the DD for these parties because I don’t enjoy drinking that much so it always just works out that I drive. After we got there and I had talked to a few people I decided to go talk to Ann because why not. We were having a pretty good conversation and everything was going good but she was noticeably intoxicated already. After a while we mostly went our separate ways for a few hours. She had been drinking this whole time too. At around 11 one of Ann’s friends went up to me and told me that Ann wanted to HU with me and I politely declined knowing that she was drunk and probably even more drunk than when I first talked to her. I explained this to the friend too and said I’d love to hang out with her another time when there’s no alcohol involved. I thought that was that and everything would be fine because I didn’t hear anything about it the rest of the night. This morning when I woke up though I have a shit ton of texts from her friends saying how I’m a dick and a piece of shit for rejecting her and how I basically called her ugly. They are also saying since she liked me before that she didn’t just want to HU because she was drunk and would’ve wanted to sober. Even some of my friends have texting me asking why I wouldn’t just hu with her. I honestly thought I just harmlessly denied her for just that night because I didn’t want to take advantage of someone drunk and now I have a bunch of people mad at me. I still feel like I did the right thing but maybe I should’ve explained it to her directly instead of just telling her friend.

TL;DR: I denied a girl who wanted to HU with me because she was drunk and I was sober and now all her friends think I’m a dick

r/tifu 8d ago

M TIFU by abruptly stopping my volunteer work with pelicans, probably ruining my career

1.2k Upvotes

Made a throwaway to get advice on this elsewhere previously but it's become clear it's more of a TIFU than anything else...

I study zoology in University, and as part of our degree we're supposed to get a certain amount of field experience (also most good zoos / animal internships demand it).

So when our ornithology professor mentioned a volunteer opportunity with pelicans through some local group, I thought that sounded cool and I signed up, and was one of two students chosen.

It was supposed to be us 2 and a professional helping to "band" young pelicans for research, where you slip a little band around their ankle that's unobtrusive to the birds but useful for tracking purposes.

So the three of us got out to the island, for a long day of pelican-banding. The professional showed us how to do it and how to deal with an uncooperative pelican, and then I gave it a try on one and did it right...but then the third pelican I tried it on vomited all over me as I was doing it.

I let it go and started gagging, and felt really nauseated. My whole lap and shirt were covered in it and the smell was horrendous. I just sat there retching and trying to wipe it off but to not much avail.

After a few minutes the professional said "Hey, come on, we've got a lot more to do...I've been puked on too already, nothing to worry about." But I said no, I'm not going to go get puked on 10 more times today while doing this, I can't handle that. He got annoyed and said "really, you're going to leave 3 people's work with just 2 people for the day? We said it would be messy work," I thought well, not this messy...

So I just sort of sat there for a few hours while they worked and tried to distract myself from my vomit-stained shirt with my phone until it was time to leave...the trip back was hell too, they both stunk so bad I couldn't take it.

Needless to say my professor is mad at me but I'm not sure what I was supposed to do, I would have gotten sick myself if I kept at it...

Just today I met with him to try to smooth it over with him, he said he understood why I felt sick but that I probably wouldn't be getting any other volunteer opportunities for the time being...which, since those seem to be needed for internships and jobs, means I might be screwed

TLDR; Volunteered to band pelicans but quit once one puked on me, probably ruined my career aspirations

r/tifu 8d ago Facepalm

M TIFU by sending my 10 year old to school with psilocybin mushroom chocolate in her backpack NSFW

3.7k Upvotes

Context: I’m a pretty well respected business owner in my community. Involved in lots of groups, and have even run for public office. I also occasionally eat psilocybin mushrooms, mostly to keep depression and anxiety in check.

Last week my 11 year old’s backpack strap broke as she was heading out the front door. I grabbed a travel backpack from my closet, hastily emptied it of its contents which were mostly just coins and receipts, and handed it to her. That afternoon when she came home she was holding a piece of chocolate wrapped in foil, and asked me what it was. I immediately realized my fuckup. About four months ago I took some homemade shroom chocolate on a camping trip and didn’t realize there were any left in the backpack. I had emptied it and put the rest in a safe place but had missed a couple. They must’ve been zipped up in a pocket. I asked if she’d eaten any, and she said, “No, I opened one and broke it in half and saw peanut pieces in it, so I didn’t eat it.” (Peanut allergies!) The “peanut pieces” were actually mushrooms! The piece she was holding was still wrapped so I asked what she’d done with the one she’d opened. She said she wrapped it back up and put it in the backpack. I searched the backpack but came up empty handed. I dug through it several times and couldn’t find the chocolate. I asked if she’d given it to someone or dropped it somewhere or thrown it away. She swore she’d put it back in the bag. I was freaking the fuck out- there was a piece of mushroom infused candy floating around the goddamn elementary school somewhere because of my fuckup. What if some kid ate it, saw Jesus, and ended up in the emergency room? They would certainly tell the parents what they’d eaten and where they’d received it, it would be traced to my daughter and then me, and I’d be asked to explain why the candy made the kid see dragons before being charged with child endangerment or assault along with drug possession. It would be on the news. The community Facebook page would be a bottomless mine of outrage. My business would be done. Not to mention the guilt of knowing I’d caused a traumatic experience for the child. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck! I called my girlfriend and discussed how to handle it. We both agreed no kid was likely to consume the candy because it’s pretty nasty. Dark chocolate with no sugar in it, plus it’s filled with mushroom bits— even we have to choke it down. So hopefully if a kid found it and took a bite they’d spit it out. Certainly not much chance they’d consume the entire piece. But still— this is not good. I went back to my child and begged her to confess if she’d given it to a friend. (I told her it had fake sweetener in it and would make them sick.) She stuck to the story. I went back to the backpack, searched again, and still no luck. Finally I picked up a folder and shook it violently and the piece of chocolate flew out. I immediately put it in a locked drawer and will never let this happen again.

TL;DR- left mushroom chocolate in a backpack, my child borrowed the backpack, found the chocolate, but came home with only 1 of 2 pieces. The missing piece was later found but not before I spent an hour imagining how my entire life was about to come crashing down.

Edit- A few things. 1- Guys I know it was a fuckup. That’s why I posted it in “Today I fucked up” not “life pro tips.” It was so bad I couldn’t tell my friends or a therapist so I unburdened myself on the internet. 2- Also, the number of people asking me where to get psilocybin chocolate is hilarious. No, there’s not an online store where you can order shroom candy, sadly. Maybe one day.

Edit 2- ok there are apparently places to buy shrooms but I don’t know where or how.

r/tifu Nov 30 '22 Gold Spit-take Narwhal Salute Masterpiece Shocked Silver Platinum Helpful Wholesome Giggle I'll Drink to That Poop All-Seeing Upvote Take My Energy Bravo! Heartwarming To The Stars I'm Deceased

M TIFU by purchasing an expensive coffee machine and making a terrible discovery

49.5k Upvotes

I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.

Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.

To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.

I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.

And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.

The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.

It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.

TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.

EDIT:

Here is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?

And here is the James Hoffmann review that convinced me to ruin my life in this particular way.

EDIT 2:

To everyone accusing this of being some kind of viral ad, it's true. Sage paid me, and in fact specifically requested I include the details of me plastering the inside of my toilet bowl following the intestinal catastrophe their product gave me. Aggressive shitting is exactly the kind of PR exposure they want for their brand.

r/tifu 16d ago

M TIFU by getting attacked by a stray dog while jerking off

5.1k Upvotes

Yes.

So I’ve been out in the country visiting my parents for the last month because my dad had knee surgery in December and my mother has a broken foot. During the day I help them out, run errands, lift things, reach things, fix things, feed things, and so on and so forth. They have a glass of wine or two around 5 and are done for the day by six. Which leaves me with ~6 hours to kill with nothing but my old room, the internet, copious amounts of wine and weed and a snowy country landscape to wander around in. I regressed to high school levels of bored horniness very quickly, and my girlfriend works nights.

So now I have to mention that I have a “spot” way out in the woods. It’s basically a huge rock in a clearing overlooking a gorge and it’s really beautiful at night. My friends and I all used to go out there and drink and have bonfires when we were younger.

I used to jerk off over the side of the cliff when I was alone. It was exhilarating. Particularly awesome during full moons. Yes kind of like Homelander in that one scene from The Boys. But like, crunchier and hopefully less sociopathic.

Last Monday I went out for a walk with a nice bottle of red wine and a joint and wound up at the spot. It was a full moon. My gf had sent me some quality research material earlier in the night before she went to work. Reddit…I was turnt.

I took my shit out and was hard as a rock in no time. Pumping away into the night. Dick in one hand, bottle of wine in the other, getting ready to bust a tremendously satisfying nut all over the valley.

And then a rabbit ran right by me. Middle of the night. Mid winter. Running for it’s life. I looked to my right and right there, lit up in the moonlight at the edge of the tree line, a fucking dog. Then came the growl.

I had to think fast, and my first thought was “dude get your fucking dick back in your pants.” And so I did that, and somehow managed not to get it stuck in my zipper in the process. This pretty much maxed out my time and pretty much the moment I had that task completed this thing had latched itself onto my arm and I was screaming and cursing and punching and eventually I managed to get him pretty good in the gut, he let go, I took out my knife with a bottle in one hand, knife in the other I started screaming as we squared off.

Bastard took off into the woods and absolutely stalked me the whole way home. Had to get a few stitches and a rabies shot and now have the unfortunate new job of walking around with my dad’s rifle trying to find this thing and hopefully you know, not have to shoot it. Was definitely starving. Not sure I’ll find it alive. Really lucky I was wearing my very thick wool coat / not in the process of ejaculating or it would have been a lot worse.

TLDR: Was in the process of a wine driven moonlit emission when I was attacked by a starving stray dog.

edit - lol NSFW

r/tifu 19d ago

M TIFU By Watching Netflix on My GF's iPad While I Was Gaming

4.9k Upvotes

Obligatory: This was not today but about 4 years ago, but reading similar posts reminded me of a situation I found myself in.

As the title says, I, M 26, had a day off, and my GF, F 26, at the time (now my wife, but I digress) was working, so I booted up the Xbox for some me time and figured I'd throw a background show up on the iPad for some background noise (just ADHD things amirite?)

Anyways, while playing, I kept noticing FB messenger notices from this one guy popping up. It was not really a huge deal. She had never given me reason to not trust her, and we both had/have friends of the opposite sex that are purely platonic friendships, but something he said in one of the message previews caught my eye and I snooped against my better judgement.

It was quickly apparent that this guy was thirsting after her, and while she didn't respond with anything I would consider outright cheating, she also didn't try to put a stop to it. The things he was saying to her, telling her if her was alone with her he didn't know if he could hold himself back despite her having a BF, reminiscing about their history (he was an ex who lived in another state she had moved from, I later found out), and encouraging her to leave me and go see him to hook-up when we were to be vacationing in that state a few months later, made my blood boil. I wanted to get a plane ticket, find this guy, and beat the ever-loving-shit out of him. I distinctly remember trying to calm myself down with a nice shower at one point, thinking of what he was saying to her, and getting so upset I punched the tile so hard she thought I had fallen over. Again, she wasn't the one saying the stuff her responses were usually short, and sometimes she would try to change the subject, but she also wouldn't shut it down.

I didn't know how to approach it because, obviously, I had breached her trust by reading the messages in the first place, but their relationship was not okay if we were going to continue being together. I casually asked her about him once, and she described him as "just an old friend," which was a lie, and I knew it, but I didn't drag anything more out of her. For months, I stewed over it, to the point I considered ending things with her, I started looking for solid evidence of her cheating on me, but I knew that wasn't fair to her as she wasn't the one fully responsible and, again, she never took things too far on her end.

I finally reached a breaking point, we lived together but everytime I saw her, all I could think about were the messages, my mood would sour, she would ask me what's wrong, and I would say nothing, which was making her suspicious of me. Finally, after several months of anxiety and anger, which was beginning to hurt our relationship, I broke down and came clean. She admitted the true nature of their past relationship and that she knew it was too far, but she didn't want to lose a friendship. She promised to set boundaries with him, and when he continued to break those boundaries, she inevitably ended her friendship with him altogether, which was certainly a show of good faith on her part. I learned that the best thing you can do in a relationship is have difficult conversations and avoided snooping anymore as I realized she clearly put me first. Sometimes, dudes are just gonna be horndogs. We have been married a couple of years now, and we both continue to grow together. While this was a positive outcome, the months of panic attacks, anger, and generally poor mental health were trying and very nearly ended an otherwise healthy relationship.

Tl;dr: was watching Netflix on the gf's iPad, saw concerning messages from an ex, and mentally tortured myself for months before finally confronting it.

Edit 1: yall are wilding out. This was a low point in the relationship. Was it emotional cheating? I mean, yeah, but I wasn't a Saint either. I had been cold and distant. Obviously, communication is not a strength of mine, and while it doesn't justify anything, to the people who say she's doing it again or she's definitely cheating on me I could TELL something was wrong long before I ever discovered the message. Because when you're being cheated on or cheating, you're never as slick as you think. You wear it on your sleeve each and every day. It's very obvious when someone is checked out, and right now, we are both all in. That could change and would suck, but frankly, none of us are getting out of this clean. When one person quits trying, the relationship is dead long before infidelity takes place.