r/tifu 19h ago

Mod Post [Mod Post] Vote for the Fuck up of the month | January 2022


r/tifu 15h ago Bravo Grande!

S TIFU finding out the elevator thing is real!


So this happened about 3 hours ago. Me and a few buddies decided, let's go down to L.A. for the weekend! We'll a few hour drive and a few road sodas later, we arrived at a super swanky Japanese hotel in little Tokyo. None of us being from California originally, we kinda forgot they worry about earthquakes here.

We checked in and got to the hotel room where we started drinking whiskey and rough housing around. One of my buddies decided he wanted sushi. Now buzzed us decide fuck it and headed to the elevator.

Once we got in one of my buds decided to try to fight the rest of us. We started fucking around in the elevator and then suddenly he got the bright idea to jump. Nothing happened so we laughed and he asked us all to jump. He counted to three and we all launched ourselves as high as we could. Fun fact, did you know elevators in California have seismic brakes??

The second we hit the ground the elevator slammed to a stop. At first it was funny but then we couldn't get it to open. We started pressing every button we could and nothing happened. This then lead to us being stuck in it for about a hour and had to call for help. They ended up having to pry the doors open and give us a ladder to climb out.

This was all fine until they told us they saw us on the CCTV jumping and the bill for emergency evac is on us. So long story short... that thing they said when you were younger about breaking elevators by jumping? Well fuck me it's true, don't do it!

TLDR: Went to a swanky hotel and try jumping in the elevator. Got stuck and am now stuck with a 1k plus bill

r/tifu 4h ago

M TIFU by writing a grumpy note and leaving it on a badly parked car


I went shopping this morning, and when I got to the car park it was full, except for two spaces opposite each other on the end of a row. The problem was that a car had parked in the road between the two rows, so neither were accessible.

I drove around for a while looking for someone coming out of a space, and after 5 minutes someone vacated a space so I parked up. I was on one of the rows with the empty spaces that were blocked by the arsehole car, and I did the admittedly petty thing of writing "you park like a cunt" on the back of an old pay and display ticket. I slipped the note into the gap where the window meets the door and went about my shopping

When I got back to my car there was a guy sat on the bonnet of my car. He looked like he was maybe 19 or 20, and was wearing a cheap grey suit. If I had to guess I'd say he was a trainee letting agent, or maybe one of those guys who stands in the high street trying to sell you broadband. Either way, the scrawny guy was sat on my car.

Me: "Is there a problem?"

Him: "you think you're funny leaving notes on my car? Fucking prick"

I didn't even try to deny it. I'm not normally one for confrontation but I told him to his face what I'd already written on the note.

It wasn't a long argument, it didn't get physical, but a few choice insults were thrown (I told him he looked like a shaved rat that had been kicked through a branch of Moss Bros - which is a reference I suspect only the Brits will get).

It was only after the argument had begun that I twigged that he knew it was me who wrote the note, so I asked him how he even knew who wrote the note

"You wrote it on a parking ticket with your fucking reg number on, you thick fuck"

I couldn't stop myself laughing. The only piece of scrap paper in my car had identifiable information on it, and I used it to call someone a cunt.


Left a note on a badly parked car written on a parking slip with my car's reg number on it. Got into an argument with the owner, childish insults were thrown.

r/tifu 8h ago

S TIFU by writing my girlfriend a nice note


In my (17m) civics class we have this thing where we write “nice notes” to people for extra credit. I wrote one for my girlfriend saying “you give good head bro”.

I was trying to be funny and to be fair it was a compliment so it was a nice note. She laughed at it, and she showed to her friends. My teacher saw them laughing so he came over and looked at the note.

He wrote me up for being inappropriate. Which I understand, but then he reported me for sexual harassment. He knows she’s my girlfriend and he didn’t even ask her if she felt harassed by my note. So now I’m suspended for three days, and I have after school detention when I go back

TLDR: I wrote my girlfriend a note for asking credit saying she gave good head. My teacher saw it and wrote me up for being inappropriate and reported me for sexual harassment. now I’m suspended for three days

r/tifu 1h ago

S TIFU by giving a little girl a bag of random items for her birthday


I was taking my 10 YO daughter "Gabby" to her friend's birthday party. On the way, we stopped at Target to buy a birthday present, and some other items I needed. I dropped her off at the party and went home. When I got home, everything I had bought at the store was missing, and I realized that Gabby had quietly dropped everything into her friend's birthday gift bag.

All together, the kid got a squishmallow toy (the intended birthday gift), a tube of Arm & Hammer Dental Care toothpaste, a package of 2 Ferraro Rocher chocolates, a bottle of Shwepp's ginger ale, a variety pack of Delectable cat treats, and a small bag of popcorn.

When i picked Gabby up from the party, she confirmed that she did give all that stuff away to her friend. She said, "I thought it was all for her." The kid's parents must have thought we were the strangest people they ever met.

TL;DR, I fucked up by giving a kid a very wierd random birthday present, and the parents now probably think I'm really strange.

r/tifu 8h ago

M TIFU by vomiting on myself on a plane NSFW


If you're eating anything or about to board a plane, stop reading this.

For context, I have never vomited on a plane before this. I was coming to the airport straight from work and had not been able to eat much of substance. I'm eastern Orthodox and it was a Friday so my options were limited to pescetarian airplane food. Decided to eat some fish and chips. Horrible idea. Big fuckup moment right here. I didn't feel anything off all day at work and in the majority of the flight, but then there was significant turbulence at the end of the flight. There was a quick rush of need to expel anything inside my stomach. I reached for the vomit bag, but it was too late. I vomited all over my backpack and seat. I felt (and still feel) absolutely horrible for everyone around me and started crying. I had to use wet wipes to clean myself up ASAP in public because I had another flight to catch that departed in 5 minutes.

Managed to do that somehow with a light head. Hopped onto the connecting flight, and I just immediately grabbed the vomit bag from pure terror of what could happen next. I was correct to do this. Midway through the flight, I vomited again (this time thankfully in the bag), and I was a wreck at this point. I was extremely weak and light-headed. Thankfully I pulled another bag from a neighbor just in case because this story gets worse. I drank water and vomited that back up right after into bag #2. At this point I feel weak and light headed but I just feel absolutely horrible for everyone on the venn diagram intersection of meeting me and being on a plane on that day. So I'm crying again from shame. Finally, thank God, the flight is over. We all landed. I'm glad for the people around me they got to leave and not see my shit show anymore.

At this point, I'm almost too physically weak to walk. But a little water and concerned calls from my ride got me on the move. By the time I got to the car I'm in total disarray. My head is pounding, my throat is on fire from stomach acid, and I've been crying. I demanded a shopping bag and was granted one. Good call. I vomited up any remaining water in my stomach mid-carride and had to stop the car to keep puking on the side of the road. By the time I'm home, I've vomited my guts out like I've never before seen and cried in proportion from shear embarrassment and shame. So backpack is in the trash, clothes are ruined, but I feel much better once I stop moving and I'm with family and girlfriend.

My apologies on the chance anyone who saw me be an absolute trainwreck irl is reading this. You deserve better in life than this.

TL;DR: I vomited on myself on a plane, vomited two more times in a bag, vomited twice in a car ride from the airport on the side of the road, and cried profusely after eating a bad choice of meal.

r/tifu 6h ago

S TIFU by clogging by crush’s toilet


A girl I liked (17F) invited her group of friends, including me (17M) over to her house to swim, have lunch and watch a movie. There were 5 of us and not enough showers so she and I started eating. That day I hadn’t eaten breakfast so I was super hungry and ended up eating a lot. We were having a good time and talking about something random when it was finally my turn to shower. At this point I was feeling kind of constipated and needed to take a shit.

I finished my business and flushed AND TO MY ABSOLUTE HORROR, it would not go down the pipe. This had never happened to me before, this particular toilet just had the WEAKEST flush I had ever seen. I kept flushing to no avail, quickly took a shower in the hopes that I’m just imagining this and lo and behold IT’S STILL THERE. I flush again, I use that toilet brush thing NOTHING WORKS. I was not about to go out there and embarrass myself so in the heat of the moment I thought the only logical thing to do was USE MY BARE HANDS TO SCOOP IT OUT INTO THE TRASH AND THEN DISPOSE OF THE TRASH WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING.

After the deed, I washed my hands, tied the trash bag and was about to creep out. I opened the door to find EVERYONE STANDING OUTSIDE. They were concerned since I’d been there for 30 min and heard nonstop flushing. I didn’t know what else to do at this point and ended up confessing everything. My crush said it was fine “just a normal human thing” but I doubt anyone else had had this experience before. Her friends didn’t say anything since we weren’t that close but absolutely no one touched me after that or they would cringe away.

TL;DR I embarrassed myself in front of my crush and her friends while holding my shit in a bag.

Edit: aight just to clarify I did not immediately resort to acting like a coprophiliac I actually did try to break it up into small pieces with the toilet brush thing (cleaned it afterwards ofc) it didn’t work cuz her toilet flush genuinely had the strength of a trickling stream.

r/tifu 1d ago

S TIFU by joking around to make my boss less anxious about a doctor's visit


Obligatory - this happened over 25 years ago.

My boss "Charlie" had been traveling a lot so I hadn't seen him much. He came into the office one Friday after most people had left, but since I had taken on some of his responsibilities, I was still there. We were talking about how things were going and he mentioned that he had been having these really bad headaches, and was going to see a doctor next week, but was really worried.

He did ultra-marathons and was super healthy. We were on very good terms, and even had done a couple of things socially so I felt pretty comfortable in joking around and said "You shouldn't be so worried, what's the worst it could be, a brain tumor?

Monday rolled around and around noon there was a bit of a commotion. It turned out that Charlie hadn't come into the office and wasn't answering his phone. Someone drove over and found him unconscious in a puddle of vomit and took him to the hospital.

It took about a day or so of tests, He had brain cancer. That Friday was the last day he worked, though he did come into the office a couple of times to visit. He underwent radiation and surgery, The tumor was the size of an orange and at one point he basically had a hole in his skull (covered in skin) as they were anticipating additional surgery.

He never mentioned my comment, but I still cringe when I think of it. From his diagnosis he survived about 18 months.

TL;DR: Tried to make my boss feel better by joking around about cancer, turns out, that's what he had

r/tifu 57m ago

S TIFU when I gave the wrong number


As the title says, I gave the wrong number today and I’m so upset at myself.

I currently work in retail and was having a pretty good day at work. I was helping out this older couple and went above and beyond for them. They were very appreciative of my customer service skills and introduced themselves to me a little more personally. Turns out my family is from the same town as them in another country and they really liked that.

Before they left the store they came to look for me again because they wanted to offer me a job that she says pays very well. She offered me this job because she told me in Spanish that they ,” love my attitude and work ethic. And we went to offer you a career where you would make a lot of money and feel happy about the work”.

Naturally I was interested and wanted to follow up on the offer so she asked for my number. She dialed the number into her phone and called but I never got a call. That’s when I realized one of the numbers in the phone number I have was wrong.

I texted the number that i accidentally gave out , asking if they received a call from a random number and if they could provide me with the number, but I haven’t got a response.

They seemed like such genuine and nice people, im upset at myself for blowing this potential opportunity :/

TLDR: met a nice couple at work, they like how I work and offered me a better job. I accidentally gave them the wrong number and have no contact with them.

r/tifu 4h ago

M TIFU by moving my arm


This happened about a week ago, but I'm still feeling the impact from it.

So this past Saturday, I donated platelets. For those unfamiliar with the process, they put a line in one arm to take blood out, and another in the other arm to put it back in once they've extracted the platelets. This process takes a few hours (don't worry, they let you watch Netflix), so the staff check up on you periodically to make sure all is well. About two hours into what turned out to be a three-hour process, they came over to check on my right arm (the one they were putting the blood back into), and I reflexively did something you're not supposed to do; namely, moved my arm while the needle was still inside it.

I felt a sharp pain, and the staff observed that the vein was "getting bigger," so they had to take the needle out and put it in a vein in my hand instead. They told me there would be bruising and discomfort around the original spot, but the rest of the process went as planned, so I thought that would be the end of it.

"Discomfort." Yeah. More like "so bad I can't sleep" pain. Not just at the site, either; I could feel it in the surrounding muscles, despite the bruising being not as bad as expected. OTC NSAIDs sort of helped, as did topical pain reliever, but not entirely. By Thursday I was starting to get a bit worried, so I called the advice nurse, who told me to go to Urgent Care. I went to Urgent Care yesterday, and the doctor referred me to the ER to get an ultrasound, to rule out the possibility of a blood clot. I was worried, but figured it wouldn't be too bad, even though I had trouble finding parking.

Five. Bloody. Hours.

First they have you fill out a security form. Then you wait, and then you see the triage nurse. Then you wait even more and get to see the triage doctor. Then you wait even longer to see the ultrasound guy. Yes, "guy," singular. The biggest chunk of my time yesterday afternoon was spent waiting to see someone for what ended up being a 20-minute procedure (good news: it wasn't a blood clot). Then you give someone your insurance information. Then finally, FINALLY, you see the triage doctor again and get your discharge instructions (ice and more NSAIDs as needed - whoopee).

I could write an entire novel about the dramas I saw unfolding in the ER waiting room, largely thanks to the triage nurse, who had to do intake behind a screen (not his fault) and had THE LOUDEST voice (yes his fault), so I got to hear everyone's business. I had time to have conversations, even build relationships (thanks again to the woman who paid for my parking - you are a gentlewoman and a scholar). By the time I got out of there, it was dark, and the only thing I had learned was that sometimes when you move your arm wrong with a needle in it, things get ouchie for a while afterwards.

tl;dr made a dumb mistake during platelet donation, wasted half a day to find out sometimes bruises are just bruises.

r/tifu 1h ago

S TIFU a job interview


The other day I got emailed for a Job interview at a place I was hoping they would hire me. The place of the interview wasn't where I was familiar with. I recently moved to the area. The interview was today and I took a lift to get there because I don't have a car and it would be faster then the bus and I wanted to be there extra early. When I got there no one was there. I waited till the time we were supposed to meet up and still nothing. On my GPS It had 3 locations near by for this place. I want it all 3 and they weren't the place I was supposed to have my interview. About an hour has passed since the time I was supposed to be there and I finally found the right location. Turned out there is a 4th one but it was called something else. We rescheduled the interview but I feel like I won't get this job. I'm so mad at myself!

TL;DR I fucked up the location of where I was supposed to go for an interview and now I probably won't get the job.

r/tifu 2d ago Poop 100 Percent FU All-Seeing Upvote Take My Energy Press F Wholesome (Pro) Mind Blown Gold Giggle I'll Drink to That I'm Deceased Platinum Narwhal Salute Bravo Grande! Today I Learned

L TIFU: Inviting a girl over NSFW


This happened this morning.

This TIFU started on Saturday (it's Thursday now)

Matched with a girl on Facebook Dating and she was very cute. I did notice that she only smiled with her top row of teeth in the pictures and figured that her bottom teeth might be effed up, but didn't think much of it. She had trad wife energy and I was into it.

We end up meeting on Sunday after some pretty clean chatting. Turns out she lives exactly 8 mins from me so I offer to pick her up for our first date. I learn a LOT about her in a very short time - I won't reveal all the details, but she had battled a long time with eating disorders - thus her teeth a bit janky. From what I saw they weren't that bad.

This is all a red herring - nothing about this TIFU has to do with the teeth. I wanted to mention it because I was so focused on this that I didn't pick up the other red flags.

I also find out that she doesn't drink all that often and only at meal times if it's appropriate - how nice. She also lives with her parents - why? She has a surgery coming up and it's involving a lot of physical therapy - I piece together it's probably due to her aforementioned eat disorders and a complication thereof.

Otherwise, great date.

Fast forward to last night/this morning.

I invite her over for dinner. The plan was her dad would drop her off because she doesn't have her car due to a recent wreck and I would drive her home later that evening. Okay.
She also tells me that she is a felon like 1 hour before we hang out. Okay...
Don't worry, it's just 3 DUIs and it's over with. Thanks for telling me? [No, really, I should've paid attention to this red flag]

She comes over and after pleasantries I start to cook a shrimp curry soup. She asks for a drink - I show her my drink cabinet and picks out the most expensive tequila I have - that's fine. She proceeds to have 2 shots.

Biggest fuck up: I presume that EVERYONE is good at self regulation of their drinking. It's just what I believe - we know if we are getting toasted or not and it's intentional.

I join and catch up with 2 shots. I get a seltzer for myself and she grabs a cocktail. And another one. 4 drinks in 40 minutes for this 110 lb person. I assume she's good at holding her liquor.

After dinner we are cuddling where she has her head in my lap. Suddenly! To my surprise she takes her pants off and says "let's go to bed - a woman has needs."

Gentle reader - let me mention nothing sexual happened here. I was barely registering as tipsy and she was beyond drunk.

I set her in bed and she immediately passes out. No worries. I'll put a trashcan near her and I'll go watch some tv/plays games and check on her.

The horror story starts here:
I check on her and I realize that my bed is dark. I touch it: it's pee.
Just fucking great.
I attempt to rouse her and alert her she has soiled herself (and my bed). She wakes up and asks me why I'm waking her up and then tries to flirt with me. I then notice she's soiling herself. Again. Actively. .While trying to seduce me.

I somehow manage to get her to the bathroom and sit her on a toilet and have her drink water to sober up - this was a bad plan later.

She refuses to use the toilet and I ease her down to the ground on my fuzzy bath mat. I drape her with a towel and place another beneath her - just in case.

I then spend the next 5 hours until 4:30 AM washing my clothes, her clothes, my bedding, and comforter. At some point I sit on the couch where she was earlier and realized that she had soiled my couch. That's why she was so urgent to go to bed. FML.

(I do check on her to make sure she's okay and I end up changing her towel twice)

I finally decide to go to sleep at around 5 and I have work at 9, despite the ice storm. I set an alarm at 8 so I can drive her the hell home and forget it all happened.

At 6:30 she wakes up, confused and naked, to which I provide her some of my gym clothes that I don't really care about. I go back to the couch and she is embarrassed and hungry. Fine. Go eat leftovers, but let me sleep. She clangs around the kitchen awhile. She apparently ate all the shrimp in the soup. Great.
She decides to cuddle with me on the couch and I had no energy to push her away. She attempts to kiss me, but I rebuke it - and then realize there's gin on her breath.

I spring up and go to the kitchen and realize SHE DRANK ANOTHER 4 OZ of GIN. At 7:30 AM!

I run back to the bed and she's catatonic again.
I start to freak out and see her phone - she told me her birthday on the first date and used that to open her phone - voila. Turns out she missed like 9 calls from her parents, so I call them from her phone.
I explain every single detail of the happenings of the night and they are mortified.
I tell them I have work and they need to come get her now.
An hour later her father shows up - which is ridiculous because they live so close, but I was just happy he was there.

I had gathered her laundry, belongings, etc and give it to Dad. Dad is not happy. He yells at her and I tell him, "Hey, sorry, my house - please no yelling." He apologizes and agrees (surprised that actually worked, but I guess he was embarrassed about everything?) Dad takes the stuff and comes back and says, "She was almost 1 week sober. And this happens. Not your fault, son."
The DUI thing makes sense now.
She CANNOT stand up by herself, so he tries to scoop her up from the couch, but she's completely dead weight and wakes up, yelling that she hates her dad

And my couch. Again.

We both end up dragging her to the car and my neighbors are watching, mortified of what seems like a kidnapping happening.

Her mom just texted me to apologize a few hours later and that she would get me my clothes back.

Edit: I'm most upset that in sitting here eating my shrimp-less soup

TL;DR: I ignore red flags on a cute a date and she ends up pissing on everything in my house and her father.

r/tifu 1d ago

S TIFU Teaching My Son how to spell the word What


This started a couple of days ago. My 7 year old son is in first grade and they do a 12 word spell check (test) each week. A few weeks back he had the word “come” and spelled it a not very NSFW way that I, a 41 year old man, would giggle about but had enough self control and common sense to not make a big deal out of it. Well flash forward to this week and one of his words was “What”. So I, being a teenager during the WWF/WCW Monday Night Wars, have a special connection to the word “What” due in large part to Stone Cold Steve Austin. So anyways, my son was struggling with the Wh sound and the A that sounds like U. So I’m repeating the word and saying WHAT, WHAT, WHAT and then I realize I’m not talking like myself anymore I’ve changed my voice to that of the Texas Rattlesnake. He finally gets the word right and I decide against my better judgement to show him a video on YouTube that basically was WHAT montage promo. Now every time I or my wife say something and there is a gap in the conversation my son goes “WHAT!” and giggles and my wife is less than pleased.

TL;DR: My 7 year old says WHAT like Stone Cold Steve Austin because I was teaching him how to spell and my wife is mad at me.

r/tifu 54m ago

S tifu helping a friend at his workplace and broke a chandelier


This is not exactly my work place. My friend installs surveillance cameras for small businesses. So this time around I thought I'd help him out and It will be some good time off from my work. (Coding)

And this time it was a beauty salon. It had mirrors all around and even up top on the roof. fancy Victorian chairs and whatnot. Everything was shiny asf.

our plan was to get this over with and get some snacks and spend some bro time.

so for installing one of the cameras, he had to climb up the ladder and screw it to the wall.

All done and as he gets down, to make up some space for him i slowly pushed aside the ladder and its top end hit the chandelier, it got tilted sideways and all of its glasses fell down and broke into pieces.

He was visibly worried and to calm him down i cleared that I'd pay the expenses.

I didn't want the owner to just walk in and get shocked so while i swept the floor of all the shards i asked my friend to inform him about my fuck up. The owner walks in and stands there for a while. He was upset, started inspecting the chandelier.

I had to say something! i told him that I am sorry and will completely cover the expenses I asked him if it was an imported piece or an inherited thing in which case am totally fucked up.

He said it came as part of a recent renovation work and that the designer who did the work is not picking up the call

I still haven't payed the money and told them that if the renovation team is not able to arrange it I'll get it for them

Although I have regrets of the last part. I should have paid up front and get it over with

TLDR: while helping friends at work broke an expensive chandelier

r/tifu 1h ago

S TIFU by saying a TikTok sound under my breath


Obligatory this was almost a year ago, but here we go. So there’s a tiktok sound that goes like, “we do not care.” And last year I was in class and it was during february, black history month, and I had that tiktok sound stuck in my head. And in class we are talking about black history and the importance of having a month to recognize that. I say under my breath, “we do not care,” just because I had the sound stuck in my head. I just said it like the way you mutter lyrics under your breath without even realizing it. I was not paying attention to the teacher and I didn’t even realize that it was black history month. So I had no idea that my black friend thought I was saying we don’t care about black history month. And she immediately went and told her best friend, who happened to be my girlfriend. So me and my gf talked about it and she didn’t believe me. So she broke up with me.

In no way was I trying to be racist. I wasn’t even aware of what the teacher was talking about.

TLDR: I said “we do not care” during black history month and my girlfriend broke up with me for it.

r/tifu 1d ago

S TIFU by washing my boyfriends pillow


Due to a huge renovation and remodeling of my workplace I’m off work for a few weeks. I live together with my boyfriend of six years and we’ve planned a vacation in the upcoming week so I figured I might as well do an apartment deep clean while he’s at work before we leave for our two week long vacation. I’m doing a different room each day and today's task was the bedroom.

My boyfriend has a pillow he likes to either lay on or hug while he’s asleep. It’s like a decor pillow for sofas but softer with a dark red pillowcase. He has had it since he was 3 years old. It was the decor of his grandpa's living room and he stole it because he liked the feel of it. His grandpa said he can keep it. He has since passed away and it reminds my boyfriend of him.

I put the bedding in the washing machine and figured his cuddle pillow could use a wash. It smelled…. not like a pillow should smell and I don’t know when he washed it for the last time. I kept it in the pillowcase and put it in between our bedding so it doesn’t get pushed around too hard. I wanted to get rid of the smell and have it fresh.

So I open our washing machine back up and pull out his pillow. The case is still perfectly intact but the actual pillow feels weird so I open the case….

Just balls of cotton and some pieces of fabric. The entire pillow fell apart inside the pillowcase. It was too fragile even for the soft wash setting. It was over 23 years old and didn't survive a soft wash.

My boyfriend is coming back from work at noon today. I will have to admit it. I called my mom in panic and she said to buy a similar sized pillow, take out a bit of stuffing and put it back in the pillowcase, and just say you washed it.

But I don’t feel comfortable lying to his face.

I’m nervous.

TL;DR: I destroyed my boyfriends favourite pillow by washing it

r/tifu 6h ago

S TIFU by drunkenly DMing a high school girl


Okay, last night I (a senior in high school) sent a LOT of drunken audio messages to a girl who goes to my school (also a senior). For reference, me and this girl kinda know each other, but definitely not well enough to garner what I said.

Okay, for starters, I said that when spoken with an accent, her name sounded like a synonym for dick (saying the word would make her name too obv). I think I was clearly joking, but still, pretty rude.

Next I sent her a message that said “heeheehee I’ve been dwinkinggg”. I wanna kms. Slowly and painfully.

Next I sent a longer message that basically said “Most people are pretty predictable, but I can’t quite figure you out. I like that, I think it’s really cool.” I called her “an emerald in a sea of stones.”

Next I sent a message where I sang “baby I don’t understand this, grilled cheese Obama sandwich to “changes” by XXXTENTACION.

Finally, and worst yet, I sent her a message saying “I feel like you operate on a totally different plane than me. Either you’re brilliant or your brain is fried, and honestly, I don’t really care which. Either way, you break up the monotony of life, which is really cool”.

See the thing is, I’m actually being honest on the more serious messages. I DO find most people to be pretty boring, and I genuinely can’t figure her out. And I find that genuinely exciting and attractive. I also literally can’t tell if her brain is fried… it is definitely a possibility. I’m more mortified that I actually SAID that to her than anything else. I really don’t want her to feel bad, and I’m not sure what to do. I was thinking I’d apologize to her before school on Monday (I sent them on Friday night), but am contemplating trying to call her, if she even picks up at all.

TL;DR I drunkenly sent a girl I know a plethora of audio message stupid, offensive, and weirdly psychoanalytical.

r/tifu 1d ago

S TIFU By ruining some teens meals at Chipotle


It wasn't today; however, It was years ago on Halloween night.

In the fateful year of 2013/2014, when Breaking Bad had reached its peak of popularity, a dark and fateful Halloween loomed upon us. Chipotle, the renowned eatery, announced a grand discount to all who dared to don a costume. My companion and I, bold and adventurous, seized the opportunity and donned the iconic garb of Walter and Jesse. My friend, a true devotee, sported the very same mustache, hat, and attire as the legendary meth kingpin himself. We even brought a stash of blue rock candy as a tribute to our beloved characters.

As we approached the restaurant, I foolishly thought to spread some cheer by handing out the "meth." My gaze locked onto a group of teens seated at a nearby table. I believed they, too, were fans of the show and wanted to share the candy with them. I sauntered over, a brown paper bag in hand, and reached inside to pull out the "good stuff." In a bold and confident voice, I proclaimed, "Hey, y'all want to try any of the good stuff?" Flourishing, I cast the nickel bag of rock candy onto their table.

The reaction was different from what I had hoped for. Their eyes widened in shock and horror, one shouting, "NO!" I was mortified, my heart racing, and I did not know what to do. I retrieved the bag, mumbled an apology, and retreated back to my counterpart in line. The teens had risen from their seats and fled the restaurant within moments.

To this day, I still carry the shame and guilt of terrorizing a group of innocent teenagers, ruining their meals, and shattering their Halloween fun with their friends.

TLDR; I dressed as Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad for Halloween and tried to give out blue rock candy to a group of teens at Chipotle, but ended up freaking them out and ruining their meal.

r/tifu 9h ago

S TIFU by Just being horny NSFW


I don’t even know how to start or even if this counts as a fuck up and I’m probably overreacting but here goes.

I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a while as I’d been with a girl before and found out I just wasn’t into it, so I installed Grindr and ended up accepting someone’s offer for head because they were close by. Bear in mine the first thing they said to me was an offer for head so I don’t think they were expecting anything else?

So I go meet them, they do the deed and walk off, they message me afterwards asking how it was but the whole time after I started feeling physically sick in the same way I felt with the girl the first time. So I explained about an hour later and didn’t get a response for a while so I deleted my account and tried to sleep it off.

Now I’ve woken up again and feel even worse about it and am worrying something bad is going to happen, like karmic justice or they’re going to try to track me down or something, the area I live in is relatively small so the chances are not impossible that they’ll see me.

TLDR: got horny, accepted head, pretty sure I discovered I’m asexual, feel really bad about it to the point I think I’m gonna throw up.

r/tifu 20h ago

L tifu by saying the truth to my therapist NSFW


i feel exhausted and desperate right now. I (17f) has a lot of traumas and issues that goes with because of my abusive parents and my childhood. It’s been since im a little kid that im going to the therapist with my parents we stopped a bit before the corona and started doing it again after, because i was starting to fail my classes. Let me get this straight : my parents only cares about my grades; my mother is a jobless alcoholic acting like a toddler and staying at home all day playing games and complaining about doing chores in the house; and my father is an abusive, bipolar, sand bender with anger issues that would abuse me, physically or mentally whenever i don’t go in his way.

Because the sessions were getting with our actual therapist weren’t conclusive and beneficial, we tried to see another therapist, but then the old one "caught" us and started paying more attention to us. She learnt that there would be a lot of verbal assault, "abusive speech" and things like that because of school and how "mid" i am at school. Im not the best, im clearly not the worst, i am just average. This extremely frustrating my father, and that’s why we are having some issues. Recently, she started to focus on physical abuse, and guessed that i was a victim of (which was right). I’ve never wanted to talk about this to put anyone in troubles, like my sister, mom or even my grandma, i just planned to leave at 18 and leave everything behind me. Problem is, we talked more and more about it, and, few days ago we started talking about arguments with physical and emotional violence and i let it all out. I remember everything. Getting dragged by the hair, watching my things get destroyed, spitting in my plate and forcing me to eat. having to hear someone telling me how i should die for hours, hitting my with a baseball bat (i got so scared one day that i peed myself). having to get checked on my phone and giving my passwords so i won’t misbehave… and i probably forgot some of the abuses. i think i’m traumatized. i remember this one time i was so scared for my life, because he kept saying that he was going to kill me, all i had with me is a tiny cutter for arts, i could barely see because of all the stress i had inside me, and trying to protect myself with the tiny cutter.. My father is mentally sick, and suffered from the same abuses as me as a child, it’s not an excuse, but he needs some help. That’s why i’ve always seen this in an different way, plus i’m religious, so i have to forgive this behavior. As i said, im pretty sure he’s bipolar, his mood can switch so fast in one moment. I had a lot of good moments with him, maybe we have a love/hate relationship…

So as i said, i let it all out at this moment, because i couldn’t keep it anymore (never told this to anyone before) I also added that he doesn’t do all of this anymore, but i’m so scared he might abuse me physically again. My therapist told me that she had to call some services, but it’s difficult since im almost an adult and all She also questioned my father to know if he had any abusives moments, and he said no, that he doesn’t remember anything if there was one, but that’s it’s not his type, etc.. She still informed me that they have to call some services, and at this moment he freaked out. and when we talked about it, he kept asking me things like "do you really hate us„ "you want us to be confronted in front of a juge„ "you want us to get qualified as offenders„ "you want all the family to talk against you in front of the judge ?„ "anyways, if this would happens, it’s your speech against mine, since you have no proofs„ "you wanna get sent to foresters home„ and since now, he barely talks to me, instead of how he would usually do. He doesn’t say good bye to me, or good morning, good night. Nothing. i just feel destroyed. the tiny amount of relation ship we started getting to have again is fucked up. i fucked up everything. i maybe should have stayed silent.

TL;DR my mentally ill dad hits me my therapist learnt it he’s freaking out and stopped any interaction with me

r/tifu 2d ago Silver Gold Take My Energy hehehehe Table Slap I'm Deceased

S TIFU by thinking avocados were indestructible


I grew up in a very cold climate. Every summer, there was a pile of rocks for sale in the produce section at the grocery store. They were like $8 each. I always wondered what idiot was buying those stupid rocks.

Years later, after moving to a much warmer climate, I found out those rocks were actually avocados. After learning about all the delicious things I could make with them, I decided to try my hand at making spinach avocado dip. I had finally become one of those rock purchasing idiots.

There was only one problem. I had no idea how to infiltrate the rock. So I thought to myself, how does one break a rock? With a hammer, of course. A claw hammer? No way. Look at this thing. It’s impenetrable. It’s time to break out the giant ball peen hammer from my diesel mechanic days.

So I happily marched out to my garage, placed the rock on a baking sheet, and with the power of a thousand suns, brought the hammer of Thor down upon it.

The resulting mess was indescribable. I was not prepared for the shower of toothpaste-like goop that rained down upon every crevice my garage had to offer. My lawnmower, my tool boxes, my hair, even my car foolishly parked a mere six feet away… nothing was spared. I stood frozen, shocked at the scene I’d created out of nothing but sheer stupidity, absolutely marinating in avocado and regret.

It’s been months and I still find the odd bit of rotting avocado, just waiting to remind me that I should have just googled how to peel it. I never got to make that dip and at this point I’d rather just leave it to the experts at my local restaurants.

TLDR; Smashed an avocado with a hammer because I am an absolute moron.

EDIT- Just to clarify some things from the comments: 1. As funny as it is to picture a big dude doing this, I am in fact a small woman. 2. The avocado felt hard to the touch, so I didn’t bother thoroughly squeezing it because I didn’t know I was supposed to. 3. Today I learned there is a far less slippery way to infiltrate an avocado, and that is to cut it, rather than peel it. 4. The pit did not survive. It died along with my dignity. 5. Here’s the hammer, which I have now labeled appropriately (I hope this is allowed but if it’s not please let me know and I can remove it!): https://imgur.com/gallery/2ZxwPPd

r/tifu 1d ago

M TIFU by boiling my knee sleeves


A bit of context…knee sleeves are those things people wear when weightlifting or doing other exercise to help protect and prevent injury. The trouble is that I sweat…a LOT. After a workout, my knee sleeves are soaked as if I went swimming. On a normal day, I get home from the gym, peel the sweaty neoprene off my legs, and set them where they can air dry. Last Friday, I had to run an errand after I was done working out. I put the sweaty knee sleeves into a plastic bag (so they wouldn’t get the rest of my stuff wet) and placed it into a side pocket of my gym bag. I promptly forgot about them and took 3 rest days. Tuesday morning, I remembered what I had done and pulled the still very sweaty and damp knee sleeves out of the plastic bag. To say that they smelled bad is an understatement. I nearly gagged as the awful, mildew ridden smell assaulted my olfactory senses. It was as if I had been slapped in the face. I threw them into the washing machine on hot with an extra amount of soap and fabric softener. I let them air dry and wore them to the gym. As I walked in, heads turned. They smelled me before they knew I was even there. I guess I had somehow acclimated to the odor and didn’t realize that the wash cycle did absolutely nothing to hide or remove the smell. So I googled “stinky knee sleeves” and followed the advice of one of the first websites I encountered. To kill the mildew, you have to boil them. I pulled out a giant stock pot, filled it with water, placed it on the kitchen stove, and set the burner on high. “Boil for 5 minutes. That’s easy enough”, I though to myself as I carefully put my rancid knee sleeves into the pot. What happened for the next hour will change my life forever. The steam coming from the pot magnified the stench of these things and filled my entire apartment with the most awful smell you can imagine. I cracked windows, used Lysol spray, bathroom air freshener, Febreeze…nothing worked. My eyes started burning, my nostrils were on fire, and I felt like I could taste the raw, industrial strength stench emanating from the pot of boiling knee sleeve. I shut off the burner but the smell never stopped. I took another pan, filled it with water and cinnamon sticks, and started boiling. My apartment started to smell like cinnamon knee sleeves and I thought I was gonna vomit. If the neighbors called the police, it would have been because they thought I had a rotting corpse in my kitchen. I followed the remaining instructions by adding some dish soap, stirring it into the knee sleeve soup, put a lid on the pot, and went to bed. I spent the entire next day cleaning/deodorizing the rest of my apartment.

The knee sleeves? No more smell!

If they stink again, boiling them is NOT an option.

TLDR; boiled stinky knee sleeves and stank up my entire apartment

r/tifu 22h ago

M TIFU by going on a date before getting over the stomach flu.


TIFU by going on a date before getting over a stomach flu.

I'm not sure where to start with this, but here goes nothing. A few days ago, I got hit with a stomach flu. Despite feeling pretty awful, I didn't want to cancel a date with a coworker that I've been wanting to start a relationship with. We had plans to grab dinner and see a movie.

As we were driving to the restaurant, I started to feel the unmistakable sensation that I was going to have diarrhea. I tried to hold it, but I knew it was only a matter of time. I turned to her and told her to pull over but we'd just gotten onto the highway and there was nowhere TO pull over.

Before I knew it, I pooped my pants. Right there, in her car. I was mortified. The smell was terrible, and I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

She was completely taken aback, and didn't know how to react. I don't blame her. I feel like the biggest idiot on Earth. She pulled into a gas station where I cleaned up as best I could, and then she drove me home. I felt so ashamed walking back into my apartment building.

I haven't been able to bring myself to text her and apologize. I've been debating whether or not I should even show up to work tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle the embarrassment and the judgmental looks from my coworkers.

To make matters worse, I found out that she blocked me on all social media. I don't know if she's just embarrassed about what happened, or if she's trying to distance herself from me because she's never going to speak to me again.

I'm still trying to process what happened and figure out what to do next. I just can't believe that I pooped my pants on a first date with a coworker. I thought it was bad enough getting the stomach flu in the first place, but this has taken it to a whole new level of humiliation.

Anyway, that's my TIFU. I'm not sure where to go at this point. I'm probably being dramatic but I want to move cities.

TL;DR: Went on a date, crapped myself in her car, needing a new identity.

r/tifu 22h ago

M TIFU by taking triple the amount of pills I was supposed to


No this isn’t some “almost accidentally unaliving myself” story, and no, I did knew nothing really bad would happen from taking that amount I just didn’t expect the outcome it had.

For some context: I’m in senior year in HighSchool and I had a very VERY VERY important exam that had been driving me crazy and with my anxiety I was almost completely unable to do anything without taking something to calm me down from the stress so I ended up getting a prescription for Tafil (benzodiazepine). That is a strong type of drug (it can even cause addiction) that’s why it needs a doctor’s prescription to buy it. I had been taking 0.25 dose to see if it wouldn’t affect me then passed on to 0.5 and started getting better. Also my mother is a pharmacist so any question I usually have about a medication I ask her for advice. She normally works with doctors and had to go to a work trip this week. So on to the story…

The exam was yesterday and I clearly was super stressed out, so as usual I knew I had to take one pill the night before and one in the morning. What I miscalculated was the time, I took the night pill at 12:30AM and then in the morning I took it at 7:00AM. I also was very irresponsible and didn’t take breakfast so it struck a bit harder on me. I did the exam, got a 92.3/100 but before I knew the result I was so anxious I called up my mom and asked her what would happen if I took a pill again to be calm (this was by 9:45AM) and told her the times I had taken the pills, she was very clear to me that I most definitely shouldn’t do it and try to calm down myself but if I did that I should know it wouldn’t be toxic or cause me any major issues. Then she hung up because she had to enter a meeting and I was still having a meltdown, and being the idiot I am I took the third pill (and I say 3rd because the night one was still actively making effect). Well… fuck I ended up so drugged because that one I DID FEEL IT. Then I was walking by the hall and the school counselor saw me called me into her office to chat for a bit. She immediately noticed I was clearly different and I ended up telling her because I figured I didn’t want her to think I was doing anything illegal and would rather be honest. I told her about my prescription and told her how the exam situation was driving me nuts. She understood and called my father who confirmed that I had gotten the prescription and she asked him to come pick me up. She also said she would give me the results so I wouldn’t have to keep worrying about it. We went to get them and I was happy to see I passed. Then I stayed in her office until my father came. He saw me and instantly started laughing his ass off and kept telling me how hilarious it was to see me bumping into shit. He helped me get into the car and took me to lunch then I passed out from probably the effect of the pills and next thing I know I’m at bed it’s 2:00PM today and my dog is barking at my grandma who brought me lunch to bed. Everything was nice until my dad just called me to still laugh at me…he’ll never leave me alone for this. I mean I’m grateful he came for me because as a woman who know what would’ve happened to me if I went back home in that state… but I know he’s never letting it go and will be forever a pain in the ass laughing about it. Though I get it it was literally the first time I’ve been drugged (technically) so that was funny as hell

And no…that’s a never again

TL;DR: I accidentally drugged myself and now my dad won’t stop laughing about it

r/tifu 10h ago

M TIFU by overthinking and ruining my potential relationship


Today I made a huge mistake that may have ruined the best connection I've ever had.

So I have been talking to this girl I matched with on a dating app for 45 days straight. Conversations were natural and she reciprocated my energy on point. We flirted back and forth, and she initiated the idea of getting drunk together soon on a trip.

However, one day she told me she is giving me mixed signals and she is confused and doesn't know what she wants before meeting first. I tried to give my perspective but she replied in single words (this was acknowledged by her later when she mentioned she has become boring). After this point, I started overthinking about each and every texts I sent. I confronted her again when she seemed off, and this time her answer was too much is going on with her and it's chaotic. I tried to give a generic reply and asked her if she wanted any space, to which she told that she just wants me to talk bullshit with her.

I kept that up for a while, and soon came the day when we first met. The meeting went really well, we held hands on a drive. I asked for a kiss while dropping her off but she suggested on doing it maybe next time. I started overthinking again on my way back that how I could have done something different to make it better.

The next 4 days were me overthinking and trying to talk to her. Deep down I wanted to know her feelings for me, and how effective our meet was in clearing her confusion. But in hindsight, I feel I was crippled and afraid to ask her this directly. She seemed normal until the fourth day when she seemed off again. On the fifth day and onwards, she completely stopped responding to me. She did see my stories on Instagram.

In my anxious state coming from abandonment issues, I sent her a couple of texts on the lines of why was I being ghosted, and said should have communicated directly which would be healthy for both of us. Now these texts were not 'seen' by her I am sure she must have read them through notifications. She stopped seeing my stories after this incident, and also removed me from her 'close friends'. I texted this after 1 day of assumption that I am being ghosted, and I have been overthinking about how impatient I was with jumping to the conclusion.

I let my insecurities get the best of me and overthought that this girl had ghosted me, which she actually did after knowing what I think. Instead of being patient and waiting it out, I let my anxiety and assumptions take over, causing hurt and mistrust in our relationship.

I wrote her an apology text which she hasn't seen yet. Or maybe she deleted the chat without even reading it.

Any advice or insight into this would be really appreciated.

TL;DR Jumped to conclusions by being impatient and made the assumption come true. Hoping for a second chance.

r/tifu 23h ago

S TIFU by reaching for a quarter


This is still happening as I type this out. I (25M) is currently living near a city going through a massive cold (temperature) dip. On top of this, my high school is hosting a networking/drinks event in the city and I’d figure I’d go.

After getting off work, I rushed home to change. Exchange my work clothes for collared shirt, blazer, and slacks. To keep warm, I threw on two coats, mittens, an ushanka, and a scarf. The pants were a little tight, but this particular brand was, so I wasn’t concerned. The mittens were heavily insulated, so picking items up was a bit tricky, but could be done.

When I arrived at the light rail terminal, I paid and walked out onto the platform. Thankfully, a train was there. As I was putting my wallet away, I heard a quarter bouncing on the bricks. I was tempted to just leave it, but I was feeling self conscious about littering due to it being right outside the employee window. So, I crouched down and removed a mitten to retrieve said quarter.

As I was picking it up, I heard a pop and a tearing sound come from behind and below me. This was immediately followed by a noticeable, frigid draft in my derrière. I had split my pants from back of sack to back waistband. Thankfully nobody noticed, but I still feel a little embarrassed.

To hide the gaping opening from prying eyes, I’ve removed my outer jacket, a 1943 olive green trench coat and died it against my waste to cover the hole.

I’ll have to stop at a clothing store on the way in to buy a new pair of pants. To be fair, I needed a new pair due to my current stock of kakis being older than my high school diploma. At least I got good mileage out of them.

TL:DR, reaching for a quarter I dropped caused me to tear a pair of kaki dress pants.

UPDATE: Purchased new kaki pants, thanks Macy’s.