r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jan 26 '23
How do you overcome feelings of shame and guilt?
[deleted]
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u/FoxFireLyre Jan 26 '23
I had a friend years ago that would occasionally say, “Hey, be nice to my friend!” to me when I would beat myself up about things. As in, I needed to be kinder to myself. She was protecting me as if someone else was being mean to me and I always appreciated that.
She died not long after one of those times I was down, so her lasting memory for me was to treat myself with the kindness and understanding that I would easily give others.
Also, letting go of the inherent pride that says you have to be perfect. You don’t have to be perfect, it’s ok.
I still struggle, but I have to remind myself of the things I’ve typed here.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I really appreciate that reminder. I needed to hear that.
I’m sorry about your friend. They sound like a wonderful person.❤️
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u/nick-james73 Jan 27 '23
While I know she didn’t come up with it, my older sister often reminds me that if I had any friends that treated me as bad as I treat myself, I’d lose that friend real quick. Good reminder than while you can focus on things to fix them, don’t beat yourself up.
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u/_manicpixie Jan 26 '23
Apologize. Learn from your mistakes. Don’t repeat the actions that make you ashamed.
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u/Actuaryba Jan 26 '23
Realizing that in most instances, the feelings of others are not your responsibility and you don’t have to carry that burden.
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u/tonysopranoscaddy Jan 26 '23
Feel it. Don’t push it down. Let the shame wash over you and notice that you can tolerate it. Then you won’t have so much aversion to it. Then let your brain work out the intellectual side. Why are you feeling shame or guilt? Shame is feeling bad for who you are. Guilt is feeling bad for doing something wrong. Shame is insidious. If it’s coming from someone else’s expectation of you, place the shame where it belongs. We were not born with shame. Someone puts it on us. If it’s guilt and you did something wrong. Feel the feelings of guilt and decide to change your behavior next time.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I hold a lot of shame throughout my life because I only know how to value myself based on what I can do for others.
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u/tonysopranoscaddy Jan 27 '23
Time to individuate. Therapy is a great place to help with that. Best of luck to you.
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u/Jetztinberlin Jan 27 '23
As someone who shares this pattern, firstly, apologies, it is very damaging, and very difficult to change, so good for you that you are working on it!
The primary thing I notice in our community is that just as you've said, we feel we have to earn our worth through our actions; and yet ironically, because of this, it's more difficult for us to perform those worthy actions, because we feel inherently unworthy. What's needed, and what's so difficult, is to flip the script, and treat ourselves as worthy first, because this is how true self-esteem is built. (Often we're in this community because that foundation, which should have been laid via respect, support and healthy modelling by our parents, didn't happen the way it was supposed to... so now we need to reparent ourselves.)
These days, this has gotten even trickier, because there's a lot of entitlement and lack of humility or self-responsibility floating around in the air; and the line between being a worthy person through worthwhile action, and feeling like you always have to earn your right to be happy / loved / exist, can seem like a thin and sticky one. But it is real, it does exist, and learning to trust and find ourselves worthy of existence first and foremost as a being, without having always to earn it by doing, is the beginning of walking that line.
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u/Braioch Jan 27 '23
I see you too analyze your way through your feelings.
I always like to use "does this emotion serve me in some way?" As a guiding principle
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u/menenowmaniyenow Jan 26 '23
I give myself a pep talk and remind myself that I'm not a cow, so I don't have to graze in guilt and chew on shame.
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u/xLordxCarnagex Jan 26 '23
If it's something you meant to do, then accept the fact that this is who you are. If not, do what you can to make it right in your mind.
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u/AlternativeSorbet255 Jan 27 '23
First step is to work on forgiving yourself. Next is radical acceptance. Then opposite action. These are all dialectical behavior therapy skills that I teach in a psych hospital.
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u/Jetztinberlin Jan 27 '23
This is very intetesting to me. What if we've been programmed to feel shame for what are actually normal healthy actions, because we were in a dysfunctional setting? That's true for many who suffer from chronic shame. Wouldn't opposite action then perpetuate the cycle?
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u/AlternativeSorbet255 Jan 27 '23
If we are talking about being programmed to feel shame, which is very common in individuals who were raised in a home where emotional/mental abuse was common, or a caregiver had severe mood disturbance or narcissism/borderline/etc, then the trauma is something that would need to be addressed before utilizing opposite action. DBT is not something I would want to use for each individual. CBT is my theoretical orientation, and I think attending therapy sessions with a CBT clinician would be the best course to address the guilt and shame one has been conditioned to feel! I hope this helped! 😊
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u/Jetztinberlin Jan 28 '23
Definitely! Love CBT and I'm not that well versed in where / how DBT diverges from it. Thank you for sharing your expertise!
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u/NickelFish Jan 27 '23
It kinda depends on what you mean by 'overcome'. Certainly some things should cause shame or guilt. But the state of shame or guilt shouldn't be your default setting.
Sometimes I notice as I'm driving down the road, not really concentrating on a task or anything, my mind wanders to the playing and replaying of things that cause me guilt or shame. I know that I've made the amends I can and that those things are in the past, probably don't matter anymore, etc. But I still torture myself, replaying the scene and causing the terrible feelings to stick around.
When I notice my thoughts, I can examine them. It's sort of thinking about thinking. It can snap me out of that rut, but if I just slip back into a default mode of mind-wandering, I can fall back into that rut. It's like the dirt roads in the horse and wagon days. When your wheel falls in a rut, it's hard to go anywhere other than where that rut leads.
Sometimes the question is in the back of my mind "Why can't I stop this?" or "Why won't these negative thoughts leave me alone?". It's because I fell into a habit of thinking those things. It became the default state.
Mindfulness Meditation has helped me. Becoming aware of my thoughts and when I wander into bad territory helps me refocus on something else, even for a minute. That refocus becomes the relief from laying down yet another reinforcement of bad thoughts. After a while, those particular thoughts fall away. I may still get stuck in another rut about other bad thoughts, but I do the same exercise.
I hope this helps.
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u/Technical-Prior-9008 Jan 26 '23
Jesus took my shame and guilt. I just had to accept it and forgive myself. Took a while but I finally did it,
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u/Important_Screen_530 Jan 26 '23
try forgive yourself if you have said sorry to who ever you hurt and that you are truly sorry .
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u/theimperium42069 Jan 26 '23
Highly depends of the tipe of guilt ( like it can vary like a fuck ton), if its just shame then i can't help because i don't give a shit generaly for public opinion
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
It’s not public opinion that bothers me. It’s the opinion of people a care about that burns.
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u/theimperium42069 Jan 27 '23
Like i mentioned i cant help with that -_-
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 27 '23
I know. I don’t expect you to. I was just trying to relate to your commentZ
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u/GoatWithWeapon Jan 27 '23
Watch funny design fail videos, it will make you feel less shame and guilt knowing that some people are more stupid than you.
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u/NervesOfAluminum Jan 27 '23
Take it as a lesson. We might wish we did things differently but the past happens once. We should reflect but don’t dwell. Wanting things to have happened differently is basically wanting something that never could have happened.
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u/harassmentday Jan 27 '23
You're only human. Try to remember that instead of the shit you're embarrassed about.
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u/KarmaVixen412 Jan 27 '23
I watch, listen to, and read research and books by Brené Brown, a professor, social worker, and research storyteller whose entire body of work is centered around vulnerability.
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u/_mi2h_Ler_ Jan 27 '23
Basically just accept your body for it's limitations and your brain for your personality. Clear out the boxes in your memory and give your body what your body deserves: play sports, eat healthy.
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u/drownednotgod Jan 27 '23
Not being that person again. I’m a recovering alcoholic, so the guilt and shame thing is not new to me. There were days that I remembered what I did the night before and wanted to die. I’ve gotten it together in the last 1-1.5yrs, but I remember it still. Some of that just makes me shrivel up inside, and it took me a long time to be able to move past that feeling. But just because I was that person yesterday doesn’t mean I need to be her today.
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u/Head-Pianist9714 Jan 27 '23
Normally I would just isolate myself from others because if if I’m not near people how can I feel shame and guilt.(I know it’s not the best way to overcome come that)
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u/redditor57436 Jan 27 '23 edited Jan 27 '23
The key is to understand that shame and guilt are not real emotions. Real emotions are what other animals feel and not only humans. There are four real emotions, joy, anger, fear and sadness. The emotion behind guilt and shame is fear. Guilt and shame are fear plus some thoughts of why you should be afraid of some things you did. To overcome shame and guilt you have to address your fear. When an animal feels fear it is a sign of approaching danger, real or imaginary. To address your fear you should determine whether the danger really exists. If it doesn't, update your persistent thoughts (sometimes called beliefs) and start focusing on things that bring you joy. If the danger is real, take measures to eliminate it and then, when reasonable measures to deal with the danger have been taken, update your thoughts and start focusing on things that bring you joy.
p.s. Dogs don't feel guilt. When you think a dog looks guilty it is really afraid. Guilty look for the dog is a countermeasure to reduce and hopefully to prevent violence towards it from the human. The dog doesn't really understand why violence (that people call "punishment") is applied to it. It understands though that by looking "guilty", it has a chance to suffer less pain from the human.
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u/Defiant_Tip9877 Jan 27 '23
You’ll get over it eventually Everyone does things embarrassing promise
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u/honeybunchesofpwn Jan 27 '23
Watch this video and recognize that it really just doesn't matter.
Most people are too busy with their own lives to really give that much of a shit about you, and that's a good thing IMO.
Everyone has their own challenges, trauma, shame, guilt, fears, etc. Understand that having these just makes you more human, not less.
Let go of what you can't control, and learn to take responsibility for what you can.
Know that for most people that have ever existed, life was an uncompromisingly brutal struggle to simply survive, and many aspects of our life, culture, and society are reflections of those historical struggles.
Be kind to yourself, because life is unforgivably brutal, and you don't need yourself to be your own worst enemy.
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u/TheBitchIsBack666 Jan 27 '23
For me, it was just getting older and realizing that I'm not actually the center of the universe and nobody actually remembers or cares if I did something stupid or embarrassing. And if they don't care, why should I?
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u/TheDiplocrap Jan 27 '23
Read some Brené Brown. She studies shame and vulnerability. Maybe look up her TED talks on YouTube.
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u/Bokbok95 Jan 27 '23
Time, patience, a support system and, if it’s a medical condition, proper medication
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u/Jay_Henderson Jan 27 '23
If you think it'll cause shame and guilt, take a step back, think about it and don't do it
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u/Fogxtr Jan 27 '23
Accept what happened. It might be hard but just tell yourself it happened you can't go your life denying it and feeling guilty for denying it. It happened, mistakes happen, itll be ok
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u/LovesMeSomeRedhead Jan 27 '23
I mostly conduct my life in a way that I don't have to feel shame or guilt. Address the source wherever you can. Own your mistakes and correct them. Apologize for your wrongs and move on.
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u/Frost_Giant_14 Jan 26 '23
I know that Jesus has forgiven me and there's nothing I can do that will "pluck me from his hand" so I just remember this and pray and confess and thank him for his forgiveness and grace.
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u/JustCanGetEnought Jan 26 '23
If you've done something really terrible, then never. And so the most important thing is to confess and take responsibility.
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Jan 26 '23
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u/JustCanGetEnought Jan 26 '23
We've all done bad things. This is a rather banal phrase, but it's true that Time heals. It helped me just to get distracted by Bluestacks games, music, movies. The main thing is not to watch or listen to something sad, as they like to say in the mood. This will only make things worse.
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u/Grizzled--Kinda Jan 26 '23
Whaaaat did you do
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Jan 26 '23
[deleted]
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u/Grizzled--Kinda Jan 26 '23
Oh come on, now, I gotta know!
EDIT: maybe, if you explain the situation, the Reddit community can help you disseminate it, and we all can pinpoint where you went wrong, and what you can do better in the future...
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Jan 26 '23
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u/Grizzled--Kinda Jan 26 '23
Makes sense, but you should create alt accounts if you don't want your friends and family reading your posts and comments. I honestly would be angry to find someone who screwed up in my life going to Reddit to find out how to overcome feelings of guilt and shame. Maybe if they were looking for ways to atone and move on together, I would feel better. Not saying you are doing anything wrong but if you think anyone you know, is going to see posts, take that into consideration.
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Jan 26 '23
[deleted]
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u/Grizzled--Kinda Jan 26 '23
Yeah that's what alternate accounts are for...But I totally understand. I didn't mean to come across as accusatory and kind of shitty so I apologize for that. As for your current situation, you might just try to focus on atoning and then moving forward together with your friends and the feelings of shame and guilt will naturally go away without you focusing on them so much. Just don't be a pain in the ass, own up to what you did, don't make excuses, move forward in a positive manner, and everything will be OK. This is part of growing up.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
Oh! No worries! I understand what you were trying to say and I appreciate your input. Thank you.
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u/anonymous6789855433 Jan 26 '23
weed and crying
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
Damn. I would love to but I am allergic.
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Jan 27 '23
[deleted]
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 27 '23
Lol. I know it’s odd. I have pretty bad allergies to most plants including fruits, some veggies, and even herbs.
I don’t mind the smell of weed at all but every time I’ve had to spend time around someone who smells of it, I get a migraine. They don’t even have to be smoking it near me. Just the smell.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I don’t think this falls under any of the not allowed categories, but let me know if I need to take it down.
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u/nickloveschicken Jan 26 '23
Move on
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
The question is how to do that.
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u/nickloveschicken Jan 26 '23
It really depends on what made you feeling that way. Usually laughing at your own mistakes is helpful and recognizing the mistake and trying to do better next time. Nobody is flawless.
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u/SphincterLaw Jan 26 '23
I go to Confession and do the penance assigned.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I’ve never done that before. What’s it like? I was raised Mormon and now I am atheist.
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u/SphincterLaw Jan 26 '23
It's pretty relieving tbh. We're human beings and we talk with other human beings so going to a priest and hearing from another human being who speaks with the authority given to him (sort of like a manager has some authority given to him by a CEO) "I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." Its ..a weight lifted.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I’m at a point in my healing process from years of religious trauma where I am really angry at religion and at the idea of a god.
The numerous promises that’s if I was faithful enough god would give me the strength to overcome my darkest days. And I tried so hard, I did everything I was supposed, and no help came. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. Thinking that I must be a horrible sinner to be stuck with chronic depression and anxiety. It didn’t help that the attitude in that church supported my line of thinking.
Eventually I had to leave so I could heal and focus on myself instead of god. It helped a lot but I’m still struggling.
I just want to say though, that I am really happy that religion has greatly helped so many people.
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u/Takkonbore Jan 26 '23
If you're moving away from a religion, it can help to trace back the source of each of those feelings. Why is something shameful? Who told you something should make you feel guilty? Do you agree with it, really?
Usually what you'll find is that it's your past religious teachings telling you to feel those ways, then offering the devil's promise of curing the feelings those teachings are causing if you'd just embrace their religion. Instead, if you can find which beliefs are the source and focus on rejecting those one by one, you'll eventually free yourself from the emotional trap you grew up with.
It's much nicer to live authentically as a human without shame or guilt, than to wrestle with the contradictory beliefs that were pressed on you as a child for the rest of your life.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
Hmm. You definitely made me think. I will keep this in mind. This might be something I can work on with my therapist. Thank you.
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u/AlarmedMirror3911 Jan 26 '23
I have no shame. Try drinking
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
Sadly I am extremely prone to addiction problems. Drinking is not an option.
I’m glad you are doing well though.
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u/Old_Bull_Moriarty Jan 26 '23
Guilt and Shame not attached to anything in particular may be signs of anxiety and/or depression.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
Got that and more. I hit the generic lottery with my mental health. Yay!
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u/SnooSuggestions9830 Jan 26 '23
It depends how justified those feelings are.
By that I mean some people who have objectively not done harm can feel ashamed and guilty. This cause is relatively easy to get over. It just requires a shift in perspective or time.
Now take a murderer. Their guilt and shame is justified as they have caused harm. There's no getting away from this and it's their punishment for doing those bad things.
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u/Malachite_Migranes Jan 26 '23
I have anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD.
I struggle with constant unfounded and irrational shame every day. So when I fuck up, it’s 100 times worse and becomes an obsessive thought.
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u/Maxsdad53 Jan 27 '23
The only thing I feel guilty of is that my wife died before me. I should have gone first. 😢😢
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u/Remote-Set5543 Jan 27 '23
I ate my shame in the form of my own semen to get expell negativity and reabsorb my innocents
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u/punjabi_femboy Jan 26 '23
"Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."